Figurative language jokes

What do you call a psychic midget in trouble with the law?

A small medium at large.

A pirate walked into a bar with his ship's steering wheel hanging off his pants. The bartender says, "Hey! What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate says, "I don't know but it's driving me nuts!"

Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.

“If you're a dwarf and you're offended by that, grow up.”

Bitches be like, "Read the room."

What genre is that in?

I’ve seen more life in a trampled garden gnome than in BLESSEDBRIAN’S jokes.

"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

I wish my grass was emo, then it would cut itself.

What does your mom and a slinky have in common?

They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.

One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."

Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,

HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!