Family jokes

Why can't orphans score in baseball?

They can't find home.

Your mom is so old that her birth certificate says "expired."

Your mum's so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

One of them gets picked.

What is the difference between apples and orphans?

The apples get picked.

What's the difference between an orphan and a baseball player?

A baseball player has a home to run to.

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

My older sister said she was gonna shoot herself, so I did it for her.

What are three things the Twin Towers have in common with my dad? They are big, sexy, and smashed your mom.

One day this kid says to his dad, "Dad, they bully me at school."

His dad asks why, and the kid says, "They bully me because I got no hands."

Then his dad says, "Who would do such a thing like that? I want to know who they are. Point at them!"

Why can't orphans play baseball?

They can't find home base.

Why do dads take time to get?

Milk?

I got $1,000,000 for my brother. Best trade I ever made!

You know, the strangest things happen. My mom said, "Step on a crack, you break your mama's back, but if you step on a line, you break your father's spine." I stepped on the line. It didn't break his spine. Mom, who is my father?

Why is it okay to hit an orphan?

It's not like they're going to tell their parents.

Why do orphans use Samsung?

Because iPhones have home buttons.

When your mom tells you there's a present in the laundry room,

The present: Laundry.

*gunshot*

Your mom is so ugly she made a blind kid cry.

I saw an orphan on the road. I asked him if he's an orphan. The kid says, "Yeah, what gave it away?"

I say, "Your parents."

Me: "Cya"

Mom: "Where ya going?"

Me: "The orphanage to make yo mama jokes."

Mum: ...