Family Jokes

Why can orphans travel around so much? They never get homesick.

Sometimes I feel ugly, then I think of my sister and get over it.

We are always joking around about being adopted, when really we are still living in the orphanage.

Funny thing happened today, my dad came home from work which is weird cause he’s a suicide bomber.

You know how in the movie, "Nightmare Before Christmas," they say they're making Christmas?

I thought Mary and Joseph did, but okay.

When you're angry, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?

Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.

It's still printing.

My teacher said, "Say welcome to our new student; he's an orphan." The teacher said, "Is anyone missing?" I said, "That kid's parents."

What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's going to kill me!"

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

My dad raped my mom, now I have a brother.

My girl got mad at me last night for saying to my mom that she had a dildo ready at all times and is always hard, so my mom wanted to see. So I whipped out my penis and my mom said it’s bigger than your dad’s!

Why was the orphan kid bad at school? Because he wanted a phone call home.

You know why orphans like boomerangs?

Because they come back, unlike their parents.

How did Billy find out he was in a minefield?

He saw his dad's corpse holding a jug of milk.

I was thinking of a good accident joke, and I asked my sister. She said, "you."

Teacher: Where were you born?

Student: The highway.

Teacher: What do you mean?

Student: I don't know, my mom says that's where all the accidents happen.

So, Johnny was in kindergarten, and his teacher assigned him to learn the ABC's. So he goes home and asks his mom, who's cooking, "What's the first letter of the ABC's?" He asks, and his mom responds with "SHUT UP... I'M COOKING!"

So then he walks to his sister, who's singing in the shower, and asks her, "What's the 2nd letter of the ABC's?" She responds with "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" Then he walks over to his brother, who's watching Batman, and asks, "What's the 3rd letter of the ABC's?" and his brother responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then he proceeds to walk to his dad, who's watching football, and asks, "Dad, what's the 4th letter of the ABC's?" and he responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" Then he walks to his grandma, who's cooking buns, and asks her, "What's the 5th letter of the ABC's?" and she responds with "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!" Then Johnny proceeds to go to school the next day, and the teacher says to her class, "Can any of you tell me the first letter of the ABC's?" Johnny, of course, raises his hand, and the teacher calls on him. Then he says, "SHUT UP I'M COOKING!" Then the teacher raises and eyebrow and says, "Young man, are you ready to go to the principal's office?" Then he proceeds to say, "I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go!" and he walks to the principal's office. Then she says, "What's your name, son?" He responds with "Nu nu nu nu Batman!" Then the principal asks, "How many spankin's, boy?!" He responds with "95 HIT EM HARD!" and after that, he runs out of the principal's office while yelling "MY BUNS ARE RED HOT RED HOT!"

I started crying when dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

An orphan can never get a call home from school because they don’t have a home to call.