Family jokes
Yo mama so ugly, when she went to unlock her phone with her face, it said, "disconnected."
Yo mama is so fat that I could write 3 paragraphs, and she still wouldn’t fit.
Talking about planets with my nephew.
He asked if you could plow thru Uranus because it's all gas.
I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.
I’d tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
Mommy?
"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? You're adopted. Haley says she likes me more than you."
I don't need a girlfriend, 'cause I got my cousin, bro.
Why do orphans make the best girlfriends?
Because they don't need permission from their parents.
The thing my mom birthed.
Why can't an orphan play baseball? They can't find home plate.
The only joke my dad ever made was me.
Why was the orphan so bad at basketball? He had no encouragement.
Why do orphans not like laptops?...
They don't have a homepage.
Baby: Stroll?
Me: *puts baby in stroller* WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL!
Baby: *happily screams*
Stroller: *front wheels break off*
Me: WE'RE GOING ON A STROLL WITH NO FRONT WHEELS!
Baby: Oka- CRASH!
Why can't orphans learn about Ancient Egypt? Because they won't know what a mummy is.
Why can't orphans become criminals? Because she isn't wanted.
What did Little Johnny say to his dad?
Johnny: "Dad, please not again! I'm too young!"
I was reading the news and read that a kid killed his family, and when they interviewed him, he said he wanted to become Batman.
What is an orphan’s least favorite movie?
"Spider-Man," because it told them there was no way home.