Family jokes

My grandpa died in 9/11. He was a great pilot.

My dad is so good at hiding, even the FBI can't find him.

I worry about him sometimes.

Hey, my sister said you're Mattick, so I decided to swim with her and she threw a ball at me, so I went to my dad and she said, "Why did you tell dad?" She was crying because I’m not getting a car seat.

Yo mama so fat, it took your dad eight years to come back with the milk.

Two natives sit in the bar getting shit-faced.

Almost closing time, "Brother, you gonna snag?"

"Yeah, I'm taking her home."

He walks over, she gathers her things. Walking out together, he takes her to his car outback. They stay messing around then start having sex. He starts to get carried away. He looks down at her. She looks up at him and says, "Slow down, cousin, you're going too fast..."

I found your parent!

Why can’t orphans eat breakfast? Because there is no parent to feed them.

An orphan once said, "I will call my mum and go home."

A homeless kid once said he will go home.

Kid: Knock, knock.

Orphan: Who’s there?

Kid: Not your parents.

Top five places to find your dad's orphans is Milk Island.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? There is no home plate.

I was in class and we had to choose another term for words we use everyday. For kid, I chose "child"; for dog, I chose "pet"; and for wife, I chose "dishwasher."

My wife told me to hang her the salt, so I beat the shit out of her. My name's Kyle, by the way.

If your dad didn't bring the milk, what are you dipping your cookies in?

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

One gets picked, and the other doesn't.

You know, their family dinners must be so happy.

Why is an orphan bad at hide-and-seek?

Because nobody will actually look for them.

When your cousin dies and everybody thinks you're her.

FUCKING MENT

When you look exactly like your dead cousin and everybody thinks she faked her death.

FUCKING MENT

My brother: What are you looking at?

Me: A mistake.