Else Jokes

I was 11 or 12 at the time.

Guy (passing me): How are you doing? Me, an autist: Pretty bad honestly. Guy (continued walking past me) Me: ...

If you didn’t know, “what’s up” and “how are you doing” are phatic expressions in the United States, meaning that they’re said as greetings even though they literally mean something else.

Why the actual fuck is there drama on this website anyone can fake to be someone there not and no one will know the goddam difference I’m just trying to look at/make jokes and I’m getting shit from people saying “it’s too offensive” or something like goddam just take that shit somewhere else

Do trees pee?

How else do we have No.1 pencils? 🤔

My entire family “TAKE THIS GIRL TO AN ASYLUM!!!” Me “OH NO” 💀

*Watches sad movie with family*

Everyone else: *Crying*

Sister: How aren't you crying?

Me: I have no tear left to cry...

My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.

Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...

I think it’s dumb that people say a woman belongs in the kitchen How else is the rest of the house going to get cleaned

a man walks up to lil johnny one day and asks if you had one wish but that wish will be granted to everyone on earth so the lil johnny thinks real hard and long then said well i would wish for me to shit my self and the man is shocked and asks why and lil johnny reply's well i would be on the toilet i thing everyone else would just be confused

I just finished my fourth round of baby back ribs. For some reason, everyone else at the abortion center is staring at me

This joke includes potentially sensitive content.

"Humpty dumpty sat on the wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall.... All the kings horses and all the kings men, COULDN'T PUT HUMPTY TOGETHER AGAIN."

"rock-a-bye, baby on the treetop when the wind blows

the cradle will rock when the bough breaks

the cradle will fall and down will come baby cradle and all

rock-a-bye, baby on the treetop when the wind blows the cradle will rock

when the bough breaks the cradle will fall

and down will come baby cradle and all"

Anyone else finding the hidden horror in these?

Me: dozes off while driving. everybody else on the passenger plane on September 11

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guys says "Well I've always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, Is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says "Well I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women. The genie thinks for a few moments and says "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"

**** (A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him ... everyone else in the room stops to listen): Man : Hello? Woman : Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man : Yes. Woman : I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man : Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman : I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man : How much? Woman : $90,000. Man : Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman : Great! Oh, and one more thing ... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market ... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man : I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman : OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man : I love you to. **** (The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.) The man turns around and says : “Anyone know whose phone this is”?

Me: Kills the boss and takes his loot. Everyone else in the office:😱

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.

/{[(Log date) 11 22 3] The Beginning} "This marks the first ever log of the Underground Fruit Association of n&c (ugfa). N, being code name for Nathaniel, and C, being code name for Connor. Our plan is to collect as many fruit cups as possible by the end of the year. This site will be a communication hub only and used for nothing else. We will plan and discus courses of action, and collection." End of log\