Alternative jokes
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?" God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
When you are stressing from homework, just do some skateboarding and kick butt.
Why use Heathrow when we have your forehead?
Osama be like: "Fuck boys, runway is full, better use this tower!"
I think it was wrong for that school shooter to end his life at the scene.
He could have done some good by becoming some lonely lifer's bottom.
Why'd the alternate universe Spider-Man do so well on his driving test? He's an excellent parallel Parker.
Orphans might as well join the military or a gang because they have no family.
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Roses are red, violets are blue, Pornhub is down, your mum's Facebook will do.
Don’t have a bike? You can mount me instead.
What's an Emo's favorite drink?
Water, JK it's cyanide.
I'm actually against abortion.
Just go to the car wash and tell 'em you ate too much red pasta!
Why have sex when you can perv on your neighbor's grandma!
I went to the local butcher's and asked him what happened to his Saturday boy. The butcher replies, "I had to fire him, I found him with his dick in the meat slicer!"
"What did you do with the meat slicer?" I asked.
The butcher says, "I had to fire her too!"
Alternative punchline:
"I had to call social services, she was only 14."
I downloaded Fruit Ninja so I can cut fruit instead of myself.
I think if a woman is giving a man a handjob, it should be called "wand making".
If a woman is giving a woman a handjob, it should be called "finger pointing".
If a man is giving a man a handjob, it should be called a "self-pleasure".
In an alternate universe: I don't know how to solve the power of 10, but I do know how to pay taxes.
What do you call a flat-chested emo?
A cutting board.
Friend: Why don't you cut your hair?
Me: Dunno, but I'll probably cut my wrists first.
Whatever happened to the emo? (wrong answer only)