Do jokes
Why do people from Alabama abhor eating tacos and burritos?
Because their meat has to be in bread.
What do you call a priest in a room full of naked boys?
A colonoscopy.
What kind of shoes do kidnappers wear?
White vans.
Girl: How much do you love me?
Me: Count the stars in the sky.
Girl: Aww, it's infinite!
Me: No, just a waste of time.
What do cannibals call pregnant women? A kinder surprise.
Memes
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.
Do you know how to make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
"Chuck? How many push-ups can you do?" -- "All of them."
What do you call a peanut on the allergy table?
A kill streak.
What do you get when you cross a panhandler, a politician, a lobbyist, a prostitute, a sodomite, and a Jehovah's Witness knocking on your door at your house to convert you to their religion?
Me: Hey, do you want to see my grandma?
Friend: Yeah, sure.
Me: *pulls out gun*
What do you call a dead fly? -- A flew.
So, my sister is a feminist. I asked her, "Do you want to hear a rape joke?" She said no. I still decided to force one down her throat anyway.
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
What do you call a blind racist?
A not see.
Why do people in a wheelchair make bad jokes? Because they are bad at stand-up.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
What does a spy do when he's cold?
He goes under cover.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.