Die jokes
Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you are pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well eff off straight to hell right now!” Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away. St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!”
My crush said that she would rather die than have sex with me... It turns out that she was lying.
When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.
I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.
Why did Steven Hawking die?
A quad rasher ran him over.
Why did the man die of the actor's performance?
The performance was unbeLIVEable!
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
Because I unplugged his life support to charge my phone.
Three guys are escaping from North Korea through a tunnel.
The guards know that they are coming and will shoot them with paintball guns as a warning.
The guys show up and the guards shoot them.
The guys die because the guards used real guns.
A man was forced off the Eiffel Tower, but he flew back up.
The executioners asked, "How'd you do that?"
He said, "I had magic chips. Here, take some."
They eat them, jump off, and die.
He asks for more chips, and the guy says, "You're a real a**hole when you're drunk, Superman!"
Die.
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
How did Stephen Hawking really die?
His wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything!
My grandpa is an asshole. The fucker deserved to die. The son of a bitch was using his life support, and I needed to change my iPhone.
How did Sally die?
She got shot.
How? She could not run away.
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He tried to update to Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.
Why did Stephen Hawking die? His ethernet cable fell out.
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
A bear is like your best mate, Harry.
If you stab them, they die from a stab wound.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To die.