Depression jokes
Why do orphans go to church?
So they have someone to call father.
I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.
I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.
Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. That's my best friend.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Your mom.
Fuck you you rwind my life.
Me: Have you ever went sky diving?
Friend: No.
Me: Well don't, it sucks.
Friend: Why?
Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.
You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself ;)
People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.
There are so many things going through my head. Sadly, none of it is a 9mm.
An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.
*A few minutes later*
son: There.
mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?
son: Dad showed me before he died.
mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*
I am a reverse rapper because I put bars in my mouth.
Depression is like having anxiety, but with more voices.
Yes, I'm CUTE.
C-ringe U-gly T-errible E-mpty.
If you were a food, what would you be?
Friend 1: "Pizza, cause I'm so cheesy."
Friend 2: "Chocolate chip cookie, cause I have lots of friends."
Me: "Donut, cause I'm so empty inside."
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
Why do people want emo grass? Because it'll cut itself.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: “Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers.”
She replies: “Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?”
To which he responds: “No, you’ve got bowel cancer.”
Depression, I got it.
A girlfriend, don't got it.
A life, don't got it.
Help, got it.
Friends, don't got it.
Family, I got it.
Best of all, depression, I got it!!!!!!
Why did I walk across the road?
To get hit by a car.
Why did 10 kill itself?
Because it was between 9/11.