Dependent jokes
What's the difference between a shooter and a bullied autistic kid? It depends on who's shooting.
Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."
The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."
The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson
My grandpa told me I was too dependent on devices. I told him he was a hypocrite and unplugged him from his life support.
My first christmas picture second one ima draw tommorw at school or tonight depends
How many orphans does it take to "test drive" a bus? It depends on how much space the orphanage has and how much space the cemetery has.
A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”
How many babies do you need to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
A man has a terminal illness and isn't sure how long he has left to live, so he talks to his doctor. The man asks, "How long am I going to live?"
The doctor says, "Depends, what time is it?" The doctor then looks at his watch and says, "10".
The man asks, "Ten what?"
Then the doctor keeps going, "6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1".
I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.
How do you know it’s a gay guy’s birthday?
Depends how hard they blow out the candles.
Why did the pen stop writing?
'Cause the pen wasn't very dependable.
I wouldn't call a Suicide Help-line even if my life depended on it.
At school, Bobby's classmate tells him some depressing stuff. Later that day, Bobby comes home crying and his mom greets him at the door with "Why are you crying?" Bobby says, "Someone said my grandpa died, but when did he die?" His mom looks him straight in the eye and says, "Depends, which one are you referring to?"
What does a 90 year old's pussy taste like?
Depends...
What's better: nailing Jesus or getting nailed?
Depends on who's sucking.
What does an 80-year-old woman taste like?
Depends.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends how hard you throw them.
Teacher: How much is a gram?
Tyronne: Uhmm, depends on what you need.
What is a yellow dog Libertarian?
A yellow dog Libertarian is a Libertarian who is blindly loyal to the Libertarian Party, he or she who is a yellow dog Libertarian is a card carrying member of the Libertarian Party who would not vote for a progressive Democrat or a conservative Republican even if their life depended on it! 🐕 🗽