My wife told me, "Don't buy 1 gun while on your trip," so I decided to buy 2 guns instead.
I wasn't going to have a brain transplant...
But then I changed my mind.
What does it mean when a man sits on a boulder instead of on the ground?
A bolder choice.
A young boy is in a tepee with his father, just after his sister's naming ceremony. Curious to how it works, he asks his dad, "Father, why is my sister's name Tulip?"
His father responds, "That is her name because a tulip was the first thing she saw when she first opened her eyes."
The boy was still puzzled. "What about big brother Sparrow?"
"His name is Sparrow because a sparrow landed on him when he first began walking."
The boy finally asked how he was named. "Well, we decided to name you the same way as your sister."
The boy nods with understanding, "Thank you, father."
"No problem, Two-Dogs-Fucking."
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
I wanted to get brain surgery.
I changed my mind.
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit on 14.
I can't decide which side to take on abortion; on one hand it kills babies and on the other it gives women a choice...
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
I was going to buy a pocket calculator. But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have?
I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.
