Dead jokes

What do you call a dead woman in the back of your car?

Idk, I just have a couple in the backseat.

Three unlucky jungle explorers were captured by a band of cannibals. Whilst being tied to three respective stakes, the chieftain announces that the hapless adventurers were about to die.

"After you're dead, you'll be skinned. The skin will be used to increase our canoe armada, and the rest of you will be food for us and our families."

This announcement was met with gasps of despair from the bound trio.

"There is one small favor I can offer you," the chief went on. "We'll let you choose your own method of death from what we have captured from other explorers."

Some of the tribal members begin walking by, displaying various implements of war and death.

The first explorer chose a crusty-looking musket. Thankfully, the powder load still fired, and he was dispatched without much fuss.

The second chose a knife and quickly drew it across his throat.

Both carcasses were hauled off by various tribesmen.

The third explorer stood there resolute and deep in thought.

After a few moments, the chieftain said, "There is no escape, you need to decide now, or I'll decide for yo..."

"Do you have a fountain pen in any of that junk?" the explorer interrupted?

Baffled, the chieftain sent two of his men to rummage. They came back bearing the pen and a bottle of ink.

When the explorer noticed the ink was Noodler's Baystate Blue, his grin spread from ear to ear.

Gathered round the explorer, spears in hand, the cannibals looked on as he was released and set to work filling the pen with ink.

Confused, the chief began to speak, "I'm afraid we have no paper, and even if you wrote a final letter, we'd have no way of sending it anywh..."

Cackling with triumphant glee, the explorer raised the pen into the air and began ramming it into his torso, nib first, again and again. He then fell upon the ground gasping a death rattle.

Horrified, the chief drew close as the man beckoned him for one final word.

"But why this painful death? When you had so many other more merciful options?" the chief asked.

Laughing, the man gasped his last statement into the chief's ear, "You'll make no boats from me now, and your mouths will be blue for months!"

What do you call a snail without a shell?

Dead.

What’s the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby?

Dogs only lick peanut butter off private parts.

Don’t cry when you attend my funeral, I was dead long ago so why cry now?

1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.

2: I'm dying, finally.

3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.

On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/

Why does Aaron always look depressed? Because his grandma's dead.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

More than three because the basement is still dark!

A pun enters the room and kills ten people.

Pun in, ten dead.

Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.

How many dead kittens does it take to clog a pool filter? Seven when I tried!

What do you do when a baby starts to cry?

You use more lube.

Stephen Hawking isn't dead; his update is just laggy because he is too far from the WiFi box.

Some people think Bin Laden is dead, but some think he's alive.

He is the Al-Qaeda Elvis.

Why doesn’t Helen Keller go to the optometrist?

Because she’s dead.

What's better than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?

One dead baby nailed to ten!

The teacher is asking you a question.

Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"

Me: "Dead."

Why didn't the skeleton go to prom?

He was dead. You fool. You fell for my trick. I'm very heartless.

Oh wait.

You fool!

What's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

I don't jizz on an apple before eating it.

Stop with the dead baby jokes. We're running out of babies.