My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?
"Thanks for coming."
Are you feeling down? Because I’d happily feel you up.
Are you a blanket? Because I love it when you’re on top of me.
My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."
My girlfriend went to Tokyo, and she died in the tsunami.
Since I was sad, my friend told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty more in the ocean."
What's the difference between a newborn baby and an orphan after a rugby match?
They both come out bloody and crying, but at least one gets picked up.
why is an iphone x perfect for an orphan? because it doesn't have a home button
Making a comforting breakfast But you have a knife.
Don't give up on your dreams...
Keep sleeping.
An orphan boy at my school did really bad in a test and started crying.
I said, “Don’t worry, your parents won’t say anything.”
A woman was sitting alone at a bar and a man approached her. He asked her why she looked so sadly. She responded that her boyfriend had just broken up with her because she was too kinky.
The man expressed his amazement when he admitted that his girlfriend had dumped him because of his fetishes. After a few drinks they decided to go back to her place.
When they arrived she told him to make himself comfortable while she freshened up. The man complied. After a long time she burst open her bedroom door and she said, "I hope you're ready!"
She stood in the doorway wearing a latex body suit and a gas mask. She had a whip in one hand, a flogger in the other hand and a 12 inch strap-on dangling between her thighs.
The dude looked at her and said, "Thanks, but I'm good for the night!"
She said, "I thought you said that you were kinky."
The dude replied, "While you were in there I f-cked your cat, pissed in your plants and came on your curtains. It's been fun!
I hope both sides of your pillow are warm tonight.
How to get a girl in three steps:
Step 1: grab a pillow.
Step 2: grab a blanket.
Step 3: keep dreaming.
“Why can’t you be comfortable with my own body?”
“I think you should ask yourself that.”
What did the blanket say when he fell off the bed?
Oh sheet!
The secrets of life.
Mac & Cheese.
Men built civilisations. Men went to the moon. Men invented the modern comforts of today’s society.
Women did none of those. They are useless, only fit to be baby making machines.
What can you say to make a rape victim feel better?
"It will be over soon."
Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with you parents soon." He said, "My parents died." I said, "I know...." I went for the cliffs.
