Cant jokes
A blind person walks into a bar.
Because they can’t see where they are going.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of kids.
One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"
It’s so sad because Stephen Hawking can’t even stand up for himself after all these mean jokes.
Why can’t orphans have sex?
'Cause they have no one to call daddy!
Reasons
"G.I. Jane 2, can't wait to see it!"
Why are orphans bad at baseball?
They can’t find home.
Why can’t orphans play baseball?
They don’t know where home plate is.
I wonder if Stephen Hawking heard the song "Gangster's Paradise." Oh, shit, he can't!
The cold winter night, there was a cabin in the woods. The cabin housed 3 men. The men were gay but they did not know.
Fili: "Fili." Kili: "And Kili." Fili and Kili: "At your service." Kili: "You must be Mr. Baggins." Bilbo: "No! You can’t come in, you’ve come to the wrong house." Kili: "What?! Has it been canceled?" Fili: "No one told us." Bilbo: "Can...! No, nothing’s been canceled." Kili: "That’s a relief." Fili: "Careful with these, I just had them sharpened." Kili: "It’s nice, this place. Did you do it yourself?" Bilbo: "Uh...no, it’s been in the family for years. That’s my mother’s glory box, can you please not do that?" Dwalin: "Fili, Kili, come on, give us a hand." Kili: "Mr. Dwalin." Balin: "Let’s shove this in the hole, or otherwise we’ll never get everyone in." Bilbo: "Ev...everyone?! How many more are there? Oh, no! No, no. There’s nobody home! Go away, and bother somebody else! There’s far too many dwarves in my dining room as it is. If...if this is some blockhead’s idea of a joke, I can only say, it is in very poor taste!" One of the Dwarves: "Get off, you big lump!"
Then the men only had one seat they had in the cabin. It was a bar seat. they were able to flip it upside down and fit all of them on it.
What's the difference between a screw and a hooker? You can't unscrew the hooker.
Why can’t orphans have sex?
They have no one to call “daddy.”
Why can't orphans be gay?
They have no one to call "daddy."
Why can’t Stephen Hawking go to heaven?
Because it’s a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.
Why can’t organs have a family bag of chips?
Because they have no family to share it with.
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.
Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?
Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.
What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman.
Why can't a missing child play baseball? Cuz he doesn't know where home is.
Why can't disabled people make jokes?
Well, it's called Stand-Up comedy, isn't it?