Canning jokes

I got hit with a can of soda.

It doesn't matter, it was a soft drink.

Bob: Kanye West.

Dad: No, but I can East.

Ok, ok, ooh, I'm so lit right now.

Your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy. Ooh, I'm so lit right now, your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy. Ok, ok, ooh, I'm so lit right now, your life is so boring, why you sleepin' on me? I can hear you snorin'. Aye, I'm so lit right now, my diamonds on that lit lit. Why don't you just get up? Aye, yeah, get him 'cause I'm awake, boy.

My mom: "Dear, I don't know why your grandma is spending more time with her friend Carla, can you spy on her?"

Me: "Your mom gay lol."

My mom: "Don't talk about your grandma like that, you rude girl."

You: "Your mom gay lol."

A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.

The poor guy asks the rich guy, "What'd you get for your wife today?"

The rich guy replies, "I got her a diamond ring and a Mercedes."

The poor guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The rich guy says, "If she doesn't like the diamond ring, then she can return it in her Mercedes."

The rich guy asks the poor guy, "What'd you get for your wife?"

The poor guy says, "I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich guy asks, "Why did you get two gifts for her?"

The poor guy says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, then she can go f*** herself."

A little girl and a little boy are taking a bath together when the little girl looks down and asks, "What's that?"

The little boy says, "That’s my little red race car."

Ten minutes later, the boy looks down and asks, "What's that?"

The little girl says, "That’s my little red race car garage."

So later that night, the little boy asks the little girl if he can put his little red race car in her little red race car garage. She said yes, and then they pull down their pants and the boy tries putting his little red race car in her garage, but it won’t fit.

Downstairs, the mother hears an ear-piercing scream and runs up the stairs, flips on the lights and sees blood on the floor. The mother asks, "What happened?"

The little girl says, "We tried putting his car in my garage and it wouldn’t fit, so I cut the back wheels off."

What’s something you can say to a waiter, but not your wife?

"Does this come with anything?"

We asked our teacher many times for an atlas, and he said, "At last, you can have one!"

What can a mouse do?

He clicks.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course it can, a house can't jump.

What's the difference between a baby and putty?

You can only eat one.

Chuck Norris can kick an apple from an orange tree and make the best lemonade you've ever had.

Are you Shane Dawson?

Because I can be your pussy.

I have no dad, no milk, and no mom, so that means no tits, like if you can relate.

So can we agree that Jesus was the first victim of cancel culture?

Flex tape can fix a sawed-in-half boat. Then how the f*** can it not fix the Titanic when it broke in half? Tell me!

What do Helen Keller and orphans have in common?

Neither of them can see or hear their parents.

Why can you bully an orphan?

Because they can’t tell their parents.

What is the difference between E.T. and an orphan?

E.T. can actually call home.

Let's hope the new tower doesn't go plane watching like the old ones.

North Tower: "Hey, South Tower, we can talk later; I gotta catch a plane!"