But jokes

I braced myself when I got in the car, but then I realized my wife wasn't driving.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, grabbed her thigh, and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a daughter.

Haha, I fucked you over!

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter?

You can shit a load inside of a prostitute, but if you try it in a shelter, you get arrested.

Why were the twin towers fighting?

Because they ordered pepperoni but got plain.

Why were the twin towers fighting?

Because they ordered pepperoni, but they got plain.

I'd tell a 9/11 joke, but it would crash and burn.

When God made Chinese, he said, "DON'T LOOK!" and the Chinese said, "Why?"

And God replied, "You won't want to be fruitful and multiply if you saw where you are putting that thing."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

When God made White Man, he said, "NEVER SHUT YOUR EYES!" and the white man said, "Why?"

And God replied, "You need to keep an eye out for the Chinese, one day they will out number you."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

Then the white man said, "There is a white genocide!"

And the survivors of the Holocaust said, "All these Europeans killed each other, so a white genocide is accurate. White killed white."

Then the Chinese said, "Thank you, we take your land now."

And the Jews said, "But we are God's chosen people!"

And the Chinese said, "Yes, every time God show up you get bullied! You might want to worship someone else!"

And the Jews said, "Why are you Chinese so lucky, you can't even see, you blind!"

And the Chinese said, "Jesus say be in the world not of the world, so don't go looky looky at the world then."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

I don't know, but it's coming for the towers.

What do you call a sad rabbit? Unhoppy.

Why isn't there a sad sunglasses emoji? To show that I am happy but I'm still cool.

A depressed kid went to go high five a tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

I don't know what an HD is, but my doctor says I have 80 of 'em'.

Yo mama so ugly, when she went to the ugly club, they said, "Sorry, professionals only!"

Your mom checked for your hairline, but she could not find it.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

My ex's dad died while she was texting me. She said she had a boyfriend, but I told her I had a dad.

The ketchup told a joke. No one was laughing, but the egg was cracking up!

An orphan walks into a shop but gets lost, so he calls his mum but then remembers.

Pete the panther was racing a cheetah but lost. The cheetah said, "You can’t beat me, I’m a cheetah." Pete said, "Yeah, you are a cheetah cheetah."

Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9.

But why is 10 scared? Because he is in the middle of 9/11.