Before jokes

Your hairline goes so far back, the dinosaurs saw it before you did.

An obese, depressed mother is trying to tie a noose, but can't reach it, so she calls her son for help.

*A few minutes later*

son: There.

mother: Where did you learn to tie such a good noose?

son: Dad showed me before he died.

mother: DAMN HIM TO HE- *slips and the noose chokes her to death*

Everyone's had a mind-blowing day before, just ask JFK.

The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.

A limbless man sat on the side of a lake every day. He had no hands or legs.

One day he was crying when a woman was walking by and saw that he was upset, so she asked if he was okay. He replied, "No."

The woman said, "Well, what's wrong?"

The limbless man said, "I've never been hugged by anyone ever."

So the woman, out of kindness, hugged the man. "Are you okay now?" she asked.

"No," the man replied. So again the woman asked him what was wrong. He answered, "I've never been kissed before."

The woman eagerly gave him a peck on the lips and asked, "Are you okay now?"

The man shook his head sadly. The woman asked him what was wrong for the third time. The man said, "I've never been fucked."

The woman looked at him, picks him up, throws him in the lake, and says, "Now you are!"

when is it normal to freeze before being raped?

when a policeman rapes you.

This is a joke to tell to someone with you or something. SOMEONE will laugh. Say: "This word isn't gonna be funny until I tell you, your probably not going to laugh." *your friend* "what's the word?" *you* "finger" *friend* *dies of laughter*. *note* it works better if you wiggle your finger or something before and not everyone laughs, so don't feel bad if they don't. Also, don't be surprised if you get put in jail for murder, because you're going to kill someone with this.

How did the hipster drown?

He ice-skated before it was cool.

What did the deaf man say to the blind man before he fell into the well?

Nothing.

What's the difference between my dad and my stepdad?

My stepdad beat my ass before he left.

What does Michael Jackson ask little boys before going to bed? Are you sleeping?

What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to turn them on before they start to suck.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich?

I don't put my dick in a sandwich before I eat it.

Titanic, doing the polar plunge before it was cool.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

Michael Jackson has done something no one has ever done before. I'm not talking about his record sales or tickets sold.

I'm talking about being born a black man and dying a white woman. Incredible!

Déjà Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull before.

Three nuns had to go before Mother Superior. The first one goes up to her and she says, "Have you sinned?" "Yes, I have, Mother. I have stolen a bicycle." Okay, said Mother Superior. "Say 100 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water." Up comes nun number two and she says she has sinned. "She slept with a married man." So Mother Superior says, "Okay, say 500 Hail Marys and dip your hand in the holy water and go on your way." The third nun comes up and she says, "I peed in the holy water!" 🤣😂🤣😂😁😁🌈