Bars jokes

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.

The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."

What snack do aliens like?

Mars Bars.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says: "I'll have some H2O."

The second one says: "I'll have some H2O, too." And then he died.

Helen Keller walked into a bar...

And into a table, and into a chair.

Helen Keller walks into a bar... and a table... and a chair... and a wall.

I walk into a bar. There was a line of people waiting to punch me. Yup. That was the punch line.

Did you hear about the blonde who walked into a bar?......... It hurt.

Helen Keller walked into a bar, a chair, and a table.

Yo momma is so stupid, she eats cardboard boxes thinking they're chocolate bars.

Two air vents walked into a bar.

The third one ducted.

Fineman, Einstein, and Schrodinger walked into a bar.

Fineman says, "It appears we're inside a joke."

Einstein says, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously."

To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking through the window, I'm leaving!"

What do you call a Mexican who can’t find the bar?

Barlos.

A sandwich walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

A guy walks into a bar, then a table, and then a chair.

What is the sun's favorite chocolate bar?

The Milky Way!

A man walks into a bar. The corrections officer says, "Usually we open the cell before you go in, now stop bleeding on my floor!"

A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.

The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"

Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”

Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”

A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.