Bar jokes
Where did Stephen Hawking go when he wanted to get drunk? The Genius Bar.
A gay man enters a bar. At the counter, he sees a skinhead sitting, which he somehow finds cute. He gathers all his courage, goes to the skinhead and whispers to him, "Do you want a blowjob?"
The skinhead punches the gay man in the face with his fist, causing him to go down. Then he drags him outside into the parking lot and kicks him again with his boots before going back inside and sitting down at the counter.
"Man," says the bartender, "but you beat him up quite a bit! What did the man even say to you that you were so freaked out?"
"I don't know," replies the skinhead, "something about a job..."
What’s a rapper’s favorite computer key?
The space bar... it lets them space out their rhymes!
Why did the rapper bring a calculator to the concert?
To COUNT his BARS.
Did you hear about the bossy man at the bar? He ordered everyone around.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender asks what he wants. The man says, "I would like one beer for me and one for the road."
A man walks into a bar and sees a piece of steak on the ceiling.
The cashier says, "If you can grab it, your meal's free!"
The man then said, "Nah, the stakes are too high."
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A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.
"My paternal uncle died three months ago."
"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My maternal uncle died two months ago."
"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My father died last month."
"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"
I was at the bar with a friend, and he said to me, "Veronica, I just stopped a rape." The bartender overheard him and had a puzzled look on his face, because he never moved. He then said, "I saw this girl walk into the bathroom, and I decided not to go."
Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."
What is the difference between a human and a tree? A human can walk, and a tree 🌳 cannot walk.
I once went to the bar for a pint, but the strippers there didn't have that much breast milk.
A time traveler walks into a bar.
He orders a beer and a shot of whiskey.
A mushroom walks into a bar and tries to hit on a blonde. When she turns him down, he goes to her and says, "C'mon, I'm a fun guy!"
Why did the rapper join a gym?
To get those SICK BARS.
A Jew and a Jew walk into a bar. The goy says, "What do you want?" The first Jew says, "Give it alcohol." The second Jew says, "My son ran away and became Christian." Another Jew pipes in, he says, "My son too!" The bartender turns around and says, "You're not going to believe this..."
Why did the rapper go to space?
To drop some ASTRONOMICAL bars!
A man walks into a bar and orders a stiff drink. I gave him a glass of ice.
A man was reported stealing a bar of soap from a corner store. The police concluded that he made a clean getaway.