An apple and an emo kid fall off a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
The apple, because the emo kid got caught by the rope.
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"
What do you call a musician đ©âđ€ who drinks soda and sings đ€ at the same time?
A popsinger.
Yo mama is so fat, when she nocliped into the backrooms, she was in level 0 and level 999 at the same time.
Why can't people in wheelchairs be gay? Cuz you can't be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation.
What is white, black, and blue all at the same time?
Barack Obama.
Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.
They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.
"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"
Satan realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"
They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"
How did the Apple and the emo fall off the tree at the same time?
Because Paul Walker crashed into it.
Your forehead is so big you can headbutt my face and chest at the same time.
How can you be fast and slow at the same time, getting a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A feather and a depressed boy fell at the same time, which one hits the ground first?
The feather, because the rope stopped the child.
I hate people that hate life.
Me at the same time: Is cutting self at night.
*hides scars* *acts like I'm fine* hehe
Whatâs the best part of having sex with a pregnant woman?
You can have sex and a blow job at the same time.
How do 4 gay guys fit on one stool at the same time?
They flip it over
What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?
They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.
Why donât I shut myself all the time?
I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.
Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."
"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.
"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."
The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"
The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"
Regular depressed person: I'm depressed, so I'll go see a therapist.
Me: I'm depressed, so I won't do anything about it, work on many projects at the same time, destroying my sanity slowly while relying on caffeine and pills as my only way to take down my headaches, and making memes about it online to help myself cope with the pain.
