Ass

Ass jokes

Trump

"(live comedy club) Foul Mouthed Trump Hating Comic:

......"Hey how 'bout that Donald Trump chump, what the fuck up with that dude, man? Geeeezus, he got some kuh-razy ass shit spewing endlessly out that pie-hole, 24/8!" (< leap week, muthafukas!) . . . "I mean, even his last name rhymes with shit that's synonymous for being fucked up, for instance"....

STUMP: TEENY DICK

BUMP: TINY TIT

GUMP: DIMWITTED MOVIE IDIOT GUY

MUMP: A FUCKED UP CHILDREN'S DISEASE

LUMP: IF IT'S MALIGNANT, YOU'RE KINDA FUCKED

UMP: OFTEN MAKES TERRIBLE CALLS

RUMP: AN ASS

DUMP: A PILE OF SHIT THAT CAME OUT OF AN ASS

HUMP: SOMETHING DADDY DID TO HIM DAILY THROUGHOUT CHILDHOOD

PUMP: SEE "HUMP" . . . and last, but definitely not least --

JUMP: JUMP INTO A DEEP HOLE MOTHER FUCKER, AND GO TO HELL!!

.... "Well that's about it for me as my explosive diarrhea is about ready to take a turn for the worse!! ......(splort!, plop!)....... OOOOPS!! ..... sniff, sniff........ Ewww!" (audience roars) "Fuhhhhk!". . . I better go, 'cause I just went!! ..... Ha! ha! ha!" . . . "Thank You Lazies and Gerbilmen! Good Night!!" ............

(endless laughter, guffaws, cheers, jeers, queers, beers, pants pee-ing, beaters beating, pepper sprayin', guns poppin')

"OH LORDY!!... HELL HATH FINALLY COMETH, AND ARMAGETTIN' THE FUCK OUTTA HEEE!!"

(quick curtain call, and off to waiting taxi.........with the windows down) .......Amen."

  • 9
  • Crack

    Everyone has cracks in them, mine's just in my heart and not my ass.

    Salute

    The American salute starts with your hand facing flat towards the ground on your head.

    The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American salute.

    The French salute starts with your hands in the air.

    The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.

  • 0
  • Memes

    Song

    This song is just like how my life is and how my girlfriend left.

    - Do Re Mi- By- blackbear

    Do, re, mi, fa, so

    (Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh)

    Do, re, mi, fa, so

    (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

    Yeah, if I could go back to the day we met

    I probably would just stay in bed

    You run your mouth all over town

    And this one goes out to the sound

    Of breakin' glass on my Range Rover

    Pay me back, or bitch it's over

    All the presents I would send

    Fuck my friends behind my shoulder

    Next time, I'ma stay asleep

    I pray the Lord my soul to keep, oh

    And you got me thinkin' lately

    Bitch, you crazy

    And nothing's ever good enough

    I wrote a little song for ya

    It go like

    Do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, girl

    So fuckin' done with all the games you play

    I ain't no Tic-Tac-Toe

    Send the X and O's on another note

    I'm do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, baby

    So send the X and O's on another note, I'm ghost

    (Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh)

    If I could go back to the day we met

    I probably would've stayed in bed

    You wake up everyday and make me feel like I'm incompetent

    Designer shoes and Xanax tabs

    Compliments your make-up bag

    You never had to buy yourself a drink

    'Cause everybody want to tap that ass sometime

    And you got me thinkin' lately

    Bitch, you crazy

    And nothing's ever good enough

    I wrote a little song for ya

    It go like

    Do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, girl

    So fuckin' done with all the games you play

    I ain't no Tic-Tac-Toe

    Send the X and O's on another note

    I'm do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, baby

    So send the X and O's on another note, I'm ghost

    (Yeah, yeah, yeah, oh)

    I wrote a little song for you, it go like

    Do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, girl

    So fuckin' done with all the games you play

    I ain't no Tic-Tac-Toe

    Send the X and O's on another note

    I'm do, re, mi, fa, so fuckin' done with you, baby

    So send the X and O's on another note, I'm ghost

    (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

    Do, re, mi, fa, so

    (Yeah, yeah, yeah)

    So send the X and O's on another note, I'm ghost

    Pedophile

    Did you know that, statistically, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile? Not me though, not me though; I live next door to a lil 10 year old boy with a FAT ASS yenno what I'm sayin'???

  • 5
  • Slut

    We don't got sluts in the South, we got NATS: Nasty Ass Traveling Sluts.

    Pedophile

    OK, there are at least 3 pedophiles in your neighborhood.

    But there are no pedophiles in my neighborhood; there are only three 10-year-old girls with juicy asses.

  • 0
  • Bitch

    Can't anyone relate to this? BEAT WATERSHARKY!!! -Oops!-By- Air Attack Productions and Yung Gravy-Ayy, supercalifragilisticexpiali dope shit Supercalifragi lick my ex be on some ho shit Superman, I get dem bands but ain't gon' buy you roses Super-duper get them cougars, took my wrist and froze it Super-duper hoes Y'all got Oompa Loompa hoes I ain't never knew ya hoes Prolly still ran through 'em, though.

    Oh, wait, wait, I, I do know your ho? You talkin' 'bout, you talkin' 'bout Tracy? Nah, you mean like, like, Tracy with the ass? Tracy with the, with the Honda? Shit, well.

    Oops, baby. Fuck up on your bitch, like oopsy daisy. Never knew that was your boo, baby. Hit her five times in the coupe, Mercedes, whoopsie daisy. Oops, baby. Gravy hit my bitch, yeah, whoopsie daisy. I just tryna hit, it's my duty, baby. Sippin' on the goose, like Boosie, baby. Yeah, I said oops, baby. Fuck up on your bitch, like oopsy daisy. Never knew that was your boo, baby. Hit her five times in the coupe, Mercedes, whoopsie daisy. Oops, baby. Gravy hit my bitch, yeah, whoopsie daisy. I just tryna hit, it's my duty, baby. Sippin' on the goose, like Boosie, baby.

    Lil' bitch, I'm happy and I know it so I clap them fuckin' cheeks, yeah I'm happy and I show it to your momma in the sheets And I'm happy she's a freak ho, happy so my teeth glow Yeah, my bitch elite, I be clapping every week My neck, my back, got your momma on my sack My checks, my racks, it's the return of the motherfuckin' mack And I stay with the pack, though. Clap, clap, then I'm out the backdoor. Lil' Pillsbury, I stack dough. Walkin' with a limp, like a crack ho.

    Yeah, I said oops, baby. Fuck up on your bitch, like oopsy daisy. Never knew that was your boo, baby. Hit her five times in the Coupe, Mercedes, whoopsie daisy. Oops, baby. Gravy hit my bitch, yeah, whoopsie daisy. I just tryna hit, it's my duty, baby. Sippin' on the goose, like Boosie, baby. Yeah, I said oops, baby. Fuck up on your bitch, like oopsy daisy. Never knew that was your boo, baby. Hit her five times in the Coupe, Mercedes, whoopsie daisy. Oops, baby. Gravy hit my bitch, yeah, whoopsie daisy. I just tryna hit, it's my duty, baby. Sippin' on the goose, like Boosie, baby.

    Donkey

    What is it called when you whoop a donkey?

    A whooped ass and apparently some people get that everyday from their drunk dads.

    Yo mama

    The Yo Mama song to end all yo mama jokes.

    If you know what song this is parodying, you get a cookie.

    Well, it’s a oooh, yo mama.

    Ohhh, Yo Mama.

    oh wop oh wop...YO MAMA!

    Yo mama so fat, she gotta bathe in Sea World.

    Well, it’s a oooh, yo mama.

    Ohhhh, YO MAMA!

    Oh woo ohhh, YO MAMA!

    Yo mama so slow she took 9 months to get the joke.

    Your own motheeer makes me giggle.

    Her struggling to do taaaasks, see her belly wiggle.

    HEY!

    Yo mama so fat she on both sides o’the family.

    Yo mama so inbred her own fam’ly tree

    Looks like a spider web an’ yo mama so hairy

    I thought it was King Kong I saw, that bitch is scary.

    Yo mama so dumb a kid said “gimme a fag”

    And in response she kidnapped Ricardo in a giant bag.

    Yo mama so blind, she drove through puppies in a blunder

    I swear I almost thought the driver was Stevie Wonder.

    Yo mama so old, she’s nostalgic for the big bang.

    Drier than Sahara, that crusty old thang.

    Well, it’s a oooh, yo mama.

    Ohhh, Yo Mama.

    oh wop oh wop...YO MAMA!

    Yo Mama so fat her picture still printing out.

    Well, it’s a oooh, yo mama.

    Ohhhh, YO MAMA!

    Oh woo ohhh, YO MAMA!

    Yo mama so ugly I thought you had two dads.

    MMMMMMM

    ahhhhhh

    ohhhohoh

    Your own motheeer, your own motheeeeer’s pussy is tight.

    It’s not too dryyy or weeet it’s just right.

    Hey Mama!

    I fucked her so hard, the bitch done passed out

    but not before I creamed all over her and shout

    “I’M FUCKING THESE MOMS ALL THE WAY TO HEAVEN!

    Don’t care if she’s 20 or 77!

    I’m doing all the moms all over the worl’

    Even if they weren’t ‘riginally born a girl.

    A pussy’s a pussy no matter who its from

    Don’t care if that woman is smart or dumb!”

    That’s the truth there, baby! Even if

    yo mama too stupid to tell apart her own kid

    or if she’s so fugly, she’s the reason why

    Helen Keller, poor soul, went deaf and blind.

    I want to fuck every MILF on Earth

    it don’t matter how much her ass is worth

    or if she’s so poor, coal on Christmas is a treasure

    Would I fuck her anyway? It would be my pleasure.

    My body count so high can’t nobody top me

    She said, “I’ll call you Freddie Mercury cause I want you to rock me.”

    I said, “aiight bet! Can’t nobody stop me!”

    Well, it’s a oooh, yo mama.

    Ohhh, Yo Mama.

    oh wop oh wop...YO MAMA!

    But yo mama still so poor Africans donate to her!

    Tube

    So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.

    Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.

    At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.

    While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that."

    So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.

    Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!

    Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

    Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.

    Donkey

    What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

    A piece of ass that makes your eyes water.

    Number

    How did number 1 kindly make number 2?

    I got my ass kicked, let's be friends?