Ass

Ass jokes

Add joke

Shut the fuck up, you fat bitch. You always like to roast others, but you can't walk up the stairs without passing out, you fat, stupid bitch. And I caught you breaking into someone's house just to steal a piece of candy, fat-ass bitch.

Yo ass so fat that you can't see your toes.

When you go to the movies, you take up seven rows.

"If your enemy is kicking your ass, blame it on the lag."

-- Sun Tzu, The Art of War

What's the difference between taking a shit and the Ottawa police force?

Usually taking a shit only requires one ass wipe!

Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"

My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.

If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.

Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.

The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.

The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."

Russians think they are tougher than Americans. Here are some reasons for the Russians out here reading this:

1. USA was NEVER invaded!

2. USA never commits as many war crimes as Russia does!

3. USA made the first nuclear weapon so yeah shove that up your ass, Russians!

4. Our soldiers don’t rape kids.

5. We have more allies than you.

6. We are smaller but stronger.

7. Random civilians in the USA have stronger guns than Russian military does!

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.

My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.

I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

How do you surprise a 50-year-old man? By putting a 12-inch dick through his ass.

He said, "Best surprise ever!"

What's Osama bin Laden's favorite song?

"Under The Sea!!!!! Under The Sea!!!" - The Little Mermaid

Get it ;) Dead ass motherfucker.