Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"
My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.
If I had a spray can, I would spray it on your ass. Because the instructions say to spray on flat surfaces.
Even the twin towers got a better upgrade than your ugly ass
Three Europeans head to an island. They are captured by the island people. They are going to kill them, and they plead. They grant them a chance to live. The island people tell them to grab a fruit from the tribe's garden and bring it back, then to follow the task at hand.
The first guy brings back a peach. The island leader says, "Stick it up your ass. If you laugh, you die." The first guy shoves it up his ass and laughs, so they kill him. The second guy brings a grape, he does the same and laughs, making them kill him.
The first two are in heaven together. "Peaches are fuzzy, so I laughed. How the hell did you die? You had a grape!" says the first guy. The second guy replied, "It didn't tickle at all. I laughed at the sight [of] the third guy was bringing over a pineapple."
Russians think they are tougher than Americans. Here are some reasons for the Russians out here reading this:
1. USA was NEVER invaded!
2. USA never commits as many war crimes as Russia does!
3. USA made the first nuclear weapon so yeah shove that up your ass, Russians!
4. Our soldiers don’t rape kids.
5. We have more allies than you.
6. We are smaller but stronger.
7. Random civilians in the USA have stronger guns than Russian military does!
A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."
The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"
The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."
My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.
My wife is so fat, she gets home, her ass gets home a half hour later.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
Why did my foot cross the road?
Because your ass was on the other side.
How do you surprise a 50-year-old man? By putting a 12-inch dick through his ass.
He said, "Best surprise ever!"
I’m gonna put my AR 15 up your fucking ass and pull the trigger!
What's Osama bin Laden's favorite song?
Under The Sea!!!!! Under The Sea!!! - The Little Mermaid
Get it ;) Dead ass motherfucker
You're so short that I had to ask God why he made you short-ass toothpick legs.
Yo ass built like a wide body Hellcat!
Gas, gas, gas, I'm gonna step on your ass!
TONIGHT
FOR FUN
YEAH YEAH YEAH
I saw a pretty girl walking outside. I asked for her number.
We met up and began to have sex. She told me to turn over, which was weird. I felt a stinging pain in my ass all of a sudden.
You're so skinny, you probably wipe your ass with floss.
What did one ass cheek say to the other?
"Blimey, what's that smell coming from the corridor?"
We all know yo homie bout to hop in a fight when:
1. He staring mighty hard at y'all.
2. When your friend know you gon get your ass beat.
3. When your friend say he not gon jump in (you know he lying).
