ANS jokes
An old lady told me to check her balance, so I pushed her off the edge without knowing it was her cash she wanted to check, so I died to help her!
Leo: Mother, what is an idiot?
Mother: An idiot is someone that explains something in a long, boring way so that the person that the idiot is trying to explain to doesn't understand.
Mother: Do you understand?
Leo: No.
Tumblr people: "There are an infinite amount of genders."
The cannibal kid: "Bitch, please. There's just one gender: Food."
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell them to clap until their parents come home.
What's the difference between an anal and oral thermometer?
The taste.
Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry, everyone. I punched the wrong buttons, and we are heading to DC instead of New York, and we are about to run out of fuel." He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.
Donald faced the other four and orders:
"I'm the greatest leader of the world, and I'll make the decision. Tony, you go first. Our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging."
Tony jumps off.
"Francis, my friend, you go next. Pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me."
Francis jumps off.
Hillary faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history."
Hillary jumps off.
Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children, just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and..."
Greta interjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"
What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?
One does not crow when you put it in an oven.
Mom: I was an orphan once. The kid: Oh, ok, idgaf. Mom: And you're gonna be too! :) The kid: Ok, idgaf- WAIT WHAT THE FU-
What do you call an old snowman that survived till summer?...
Water... yup, water...
Why can’t an orphan play baseball?
Because they don’t know where home is. 😂😂😂😂😂😂
You can't put an orphan on house arrest if there isn't a house to arrest them to.
Why did the boy put a chicken 🐔 in his garden?
He wanted to grow an eggplant. 😂
What is it called when an orphan takes a family photo? A selfie.
What’s the difference between me and Chester Bennington?
I know how to use an exercise band.
Why can’t an orphan play baseball?
He doesn’t know where home is.
Why can’t you give an orphan homework?
Because they don’t have a home to do it in.
Which restaurants can an orphan not go to?
A family restaurant.
If an orphan were to get a takeaway, what’s the home address?
You can't give an orphan homework.
Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?
They both had an open mind.