And jokes

Opinions are like orgasms. The only one that matters is mine and I don't care if you have one.

What does a rifle and a microwave have in common?

They both go "Ping" when they are done.

P1: What's the difference between a kid and a hooker?

P2: I don't know.

P1: Wow, you sick fuck!

My dad owns a countertop store and sometimes he'll barter.

A lot of the time he will take things for granite.

A lot of counter-offers were made.

Mommy sits on my potty and sings a song about poop.

Kid in 2021: I'm goated at hide and seek.

Anne Frank: I am the hide and seek champion of the world.

Last night I had sex and she said, "Stop talking about s***, OMG!" and I made her scream so loud she said, "Her balls hurt!"

Why did God create sex for marriage?

Because he wanted more people and less fun.

How many emissions does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they just sit in the dark and cry.

My parents used to make me and my siblings apologize to the ground when we stomped.

If I had done "it," I would have gotten SO many apologies.

What's the best way to tell your friend you hate them? Option 1: Kill them. Option 2: Walk away. Option 3: Kill each other.

Me: Why can't I just kms and leave them the pain?

Dad: Are you gay?

Kid: Yes.

10 days later.

Kid: I’m going to my girlfriend's house.

Dad: I thought you were gay?

Kid: What’s wrong with you? He’s the girly girl of our relationship, dumba**.

Dad: Don’t swear and okay, bud.

What's the difference between a wanted person and a wanted handicapped person? The handicapped person wasn’t last seen on foot.

What's the difference between a God and my mom?

My mom exists. I mean... she did at one point! Unlike any "Gods."

What's the difference between you and your sister?

Your dad.

Why did the orphan cross the road and stop in a lane? To get run over.

My Emo friend was coming over to my house. When he got there, he said, "Got a rope?" I asked why, and he said, "I want to make a swing."

Anyone want a free pizza? Because you liking a pizza with toppings that not many people enjoy allows you to eat the entire guilt free pizza, that they said they didn't want and everyone already offered you a slice of.

Luca’s Mom and Dad be throwing the kids into the fountain in the city, but they're sea monsters, so if they went to jail for that, they would be on death row anyway. 🤣

What can you say about that homeless man's life and current status?

Wasted.