And jokes

A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

QoS.

QoS who?

QoS there me me who me and you.

One day, a lady and her husband were talking and it was time for dinner. He got up and sat at the dining room table, and the lady brought the plate of food in and she sat it down in front of him. "What's this?" he said. The lady said, "A piece of shit...honey! Want some water to drink?"

What’s the difference between your wife and a light switch?

I don’t turn on a light switch.

Me and rose bushes have something in common: mangled, can hurt, red, and people only like one part.

What's the difference between me and the rest of America?

I love one and hate the other.

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and then give her blood so she can bleed more.

I will unplug your life support to kill my mum and give her it so she can bleed more.

I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said, "Never mind."

It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote," one of my best friends would still be alive.

I saw my midget neighbor at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"Bugger off!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little man," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

A boy couldn't walk normally because his pants were huge, and when he went to school, the people there made so many jokes about him that he died.

IT'S NOT TRUE, JUST A FAKE JOKE, DON'T WORRY!

Your mom was so fat that she couldn't have a man and couldn't go through the door.

I'M JOKING, DON'T GET MAD!

Yo mamma so poor that when we went on a date, she took off her shoe laces and said "spaghetti."

Your dad left you 10 years ago and you're 10 years old, so your dad anniversary is today.

But you could get plastic surgery and look 20 years younger. With that, no one will suspect you!

Orphan: "I get all the A pluses and y'all bad!"

And then I told him: "If you feel so special, try telling your parents. You can't, can you?"

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

What animal howls at the moon and eats cement?

If you guessed wolf, you're right! I threw in the cement to make it hard.

Your loved one dies and you call the Coroner's office. They answer, "Hello, this is Benny from the Coroner's office, you stab 'em, we slab 'em, how may I be of service?"