And jokes

What is the difference between a carpet muncher and a female prostitute?

If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

Repeat after me: shut up; shut up; I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

One time I broke a leg and I was using a wheelchair.

My parents thought I was a disappointment and put me up on eBay, the Ohioan Black Market, and the nearest adoption center.

One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.

And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.

And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.

Yo momma so dumb that she thought Auradon was in "Varian And The Seven Kingdoms."

Why don’t Mexicans have sex education and a driver’s education on the same day?

Because the donkey gets tired.

Why is England's team unfair in chess?

Because 2 rooks = 10 and a queen = 9.

What's the difference between you and a calendar?

Calendars got dates.

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!

I confessed to my crush in preschool. Unfortunately, she rejected me. I just carried on and got right back to teaching.

Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?

Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.

Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!

Stacy: lol

Your mum is so fat and so dumb that she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

Why were the Twin Towers mad? They ordered pepperoni, and they only got plane.

A king ordered to execute a gay man.

The gay man came and said, "Please don't behead me, have pity!" The king replied, "I will have pity because I will impale you, let you enjoy your last moments."

A Roman went to the bar and he held up two fingers and said, "Can I have five drinks, please?"

Why can’t USA and England play chess?

The USA has no towers, and England doesn’t have a queen.

Guy and Girl are in the shower talking to each other.

Guy: Let's drop the soap.

Girl: Let's do it!

What is Osama bin Laden's favorite game?

Hide and seek.

If your hairline was a river, it would meander left, right, and backwards.