And jokes

Wanna see a mistake go on camera and take a pic of you?

Why do people have a lot of money and they have to spend it on jewelry 24/7 all the time?

There once was a man who beat his wife, And before he even knew it, he ended her life. His hands were a mess, all red and bloody, He had to find somewhere to hide the body.

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

Your hairline got pulled back. You look like you've been climbing Chris, and you got smacked up by Will Smith.

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."

I bought my sister a trampoline. She sat in her wheelchair and cried.

What is your favorite amendment? A rapper.

You're so fat when you told your mum and dad, even they laughed!

If you combine math and meth, you will become Einstein White.

I'm 5'6", and my mom is 5'1" and 1/2. She always says she's going to get a suicide vest and fill it with bricks and squish me. I tell her good luck.

And when she tries to hug me, she says, "You're too fucking tall, kid," so I usually reply with "Go get a stool then."

What’s the difference between a photocopier and the flu?

One makes facsimiles; the other makes sick families.

Every time my cousin and I, we settle it out with our game, so we play rock paper scissors. 😂🤣🤣

I thought of you today, and it reminded me to take out the trash.

Stacy: Honey, I'm kinda new to texting, what does lol mean?

Justin: I'm not sure, "lots of love," I guess.

Margaret: Stacy, are you there? I don't know if you heard, but Amber and her three kids were killed in a car crash this morning. I'm in total shock!

Stacy: lol

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

A weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Why were the Twin Towers mad? They ordered pepperoni, and they only got plane.

A king ordered to execute a gay man.

The gay man came and said, "Please don't behead me, have pity!" The king replied, "I will have pity because I will impale you, let you enjoy your last moments."