And jokes

What's the difference between taking a shit and the Ottawa police force?

Usually taking a shit only requires one ass wipe!

Do you like In-N-Out?

Yes, why? In and out of your mouth.

Yo mama so fat and old, she is the reason the Great Depression happened.

You're so poor that you die and go to the backrooms.

What do eating a watermelon, rolling a cigarette, and eating a hippie chick out have in common?

Spit, spit, spit!

Why do people have a lot of money and they have to spend it on jewelry 24/7 all the time?

The existence of the word "priest" implies the existence of "prier" and "pri".

I went to the zoo the other day and it only had one dog... yeah, it was a shih tzu.

What is the definition of "Endless Love"?

Answer: Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder playing "Tennis"!

When you're in the World Trade Center and you connect to airplane wifi.

Why did the orphan stop playing baseball?

Because baseball has a home, and an orphan does not.

Laugh now.

I saw a girl with blond hair. She was sexy and beautiful. I thought she was the most hottest girl I ever saw, so I ran up to her feeling hot.

I am the Titanic, and I'm looking for a place to crash tonight.

What's black and white and red all over?

The darkness of your heart, the dishonor of your lies, and the embarrassment you feel when busted for both.

Yo mama so old, her photos are in a museum and her friends are in a graveyard.

So, one day Kylin Banks was playing football. Then he saw Violet. After he saw her, he got bricked up. Then he ran after her and rubbed his pickle all over her. She was so happy.

My bad, but you stink so bad you passed by a trashcan and it yelled, "Wow! I didn't know I had family!"

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"

God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."

Sometimes I look around and all I see is two fat cheeks in my face and say, "Too mushy apples."