And jokes

Someone went to fly and thought of pizza.

A girl walks up to her blind friend who she had not seen in a while and says: "Long time no see!"

What's the difference between your dad and the mailman? Nothing.

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back!

So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?

What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Apples get picked.

The woman became extremely uncomfortable with the man she had just met. While he lay beside her, romantically kissing and stroking her neck he whispered, “I called the number you gave me at the bar tonight. Someone named Alvin answered who has never heard of you.”

What's big, black, and touches children?

Harambe.

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted :)

Did you know that if you die you can still be a part of family game night!

All you have to do is have your family cremate you and put you in an hour glass, and the games that use hour glasses, well, you will be a part of family game night.

Your mom is so stupid, she got lost in Bed Bath & Beyond and slept on the floor.

If your name is Jack, I think you are a stupid person that leaves their friends and blocks them on everything.

I'm not going bungee jumping. I was born by broken rubber, and that's not how I'm going out.

So, a man walks past a gun store and sees all the guns are half price. Then the man says, "Wow, school supplies are low this week."

What's the difference between apples and orphans?

Apples get picked.

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day.

He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation.

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will have dialogue.”

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.

I was walking to the store, and then this boy told me, "I'm an orphan and I have no money." He wanted M\&Ms. I gave him a family-sized bag.