And jokes

So there’s this air purifier in my room, right? It’s really noisy, so I unplugged it to sleep better, and sure enough, I fell asleep faster. So I came to the conclusion: if I unplug noisy machines, people will sleep better.

It worked really well in my local hospital.

A priest walks outside and finds two young boys sitting on a big ice cube. The priest asks what they are doing. The boys answer that the priest always likes a couple of cold ones before he goes on.

Did you know an apple and an orphan are different.

An apple gets picked.

Sally had 9 pounds of boobs (9), which was 2 2 many (922), so on the 9th of the month (9229) at 6pm (92296) on 68 street (922968), she went to doctor x to get 6 operations (922968x6) and left her (flip your calculator) boobless.

The E and F in Orphan stands for Every one in their Family.

Me: yep they definitely have one 100% 💯

Titanic is like our president; it cracks in half and dies.

Figure: Who wants to play hide and seek?

Seek and Hide: Me.

Figure: Ok, Seek, you're it. Me and Hide will hide.

Seek: Why do I have to be the seeker?

Figure: Because your name is in seeker.

Hello, everybody, it's me, Mariplier, and today I'm going to be balling at Freddy's!

What’s the difference between a pornstar covered in slime and The White Stripes?

One has "Icky Thump," and the other does "icky hump."

What's the difference between a homo and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.

What do orphans and broken up couples have in common?

They can't see each other anymore.

What is white, then red, and is very fast?

My chainsaw blade.

What do priests and McDonald's have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns!

What’s the difference between KFC and a woman on her period?

One’s finger-licking good and the other is just a fast food restaurant.

"Hey, man, do you have any Ben and Jerry's?"

"Yeah, I have two of them, fresh and preserved in the freezer."

"I meant the ice cream, bro..."

My cousin’s friend spelled “racist” wrong and when my cousin showed me, the first thing I said to my cousin’s friend is “Go to Grammarly. They REALLY teach you spelling.”

A Japanese person comes to America and sees guns everywhere. One American says, "Welcome to America!"

Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.

Roses are red, clovers are green.

I love your legs and what's in between. LOL

What do orphans and homework have in common?

Everybody forgets about them.