And jokes
Your mama is so slow, she walked by a TV and missed eight episodes.
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg.
Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"
Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.
Why did the question come to life? Answer: The adding, subtracting, times, dividing by, and equals signs came to life and squished pages.
Memes
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!
What do a blonde chick and a turtle both have in common?
When they're on their backs, they're screwed.
A wife and husband go to a barn. The husband picks up a goat and says, “Look at this pig I have to sleep with every night.”
The wife says, “Honey, that’s a goat.”
The husband replies with, “I was talking to the goat.”
I was doing a race, and I started after everyone 'cause I fell, but when I got up I realized I couldn't even race, not because I was behind, but because I can't go straight if I'm gay...
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 120 pounds. ;D
My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.
What's sticky and brown? A stick!
For someone to be stealing a bag of gold in Heaven, [they are] a criminal on Earth and [in] Heaven.
What’s black and long?
The Chick-fil-A line.
If a chicken flies into the plane and the plane crashes, whose fault is it?
A: The driver's. Chickens can't fly.
What fruit is square and green? A lemon in disguise.
What’s a foot on one end, a foot on the other end, and a foot in the middle?
A meter stick.
What’s the difference between 69 and a family reunion?
You only see one asshole in 69.
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.