And jokes
Today, I asked my phone "Siri" why am I still single, and it activated the front camera.
My wife told me she was fat and depressed. She asked me to compliment her, so I said, "You have perfect eyesight!"
Cars are like bullets; you jump in front of one, and they solve all your problems.
You ever look back at your ex and are like, "Wow! What was I thinking?"
Then I start to think I was the problem :(
Just kidding, fuck that asshole!
Teach a Scouser to fish and he can eat for a day.
Give him the rod and he will stick it in your letterbox and nick your car keys!
Memes
In a Kahoot, and you're the Twin Tower terrorist: terrorist kill streak 2,996.
Figure: Who wants to play hide and seek?
Seek and Hide: Me.
Figure: Okay, hide and I will hide and Seek will be it.
Seek: Why do I have to be it?
Figure: Because your name says so.
Royal rebel and push so back, they ever marble say that drink pushback.
Quote Of The Day: Where there is no struggle, there is no strength.
Love you guys, and hope today was amazing!
Peace out! <3
I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they got excited and asked if I could drive a B-52.
A grasshopper tries playing cricket. It failed and got eaten by the bat.
Why is Mars red and not orange? Because it would be too bright.
A penis has a sad life.
His hair is a mess. His family is nuts. His neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him. That's it for now.
One day, during lunch, a Spanish kid came up to my other friend and asked her questions in Spanish, and when she was about to say something, I popped out and said, “GO AWAY OR I WILL SUE YOU WITH BRIANNA’S SEVEN/7 LAWYERS!!!!(AKA, her seven/7 shoes.)”
When you realize your friend standing next to you is adopted and narrates everything he does.
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of him?
Well, it only takes one nail.
If a woman says she needs to set boundaries between you and her, you would be crossing it if you are a Mexican.
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
The apples get picked.
Yo mamma so fat, she asked for a water bed, and they put a blanket over the Atlantic Ocean.
Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.
That made my father very mad, as we didn’t have a fireplace.