And jokes

You know the song "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"? Apparently, Santa's the mailman.

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are going to the airport, which one gets there first? The lesbian, duh, they get there "lickety-split."

Spock went to the Enterprise's toilet and he knocked on it. "Kirk, are you in there?" Spock asked.

Kirk answered, "Hold on, I am making a captain's log."

Friend: Why did you touch me?

Me: That guy in the corner with no hair, glasses, really nice, white button up shirt, that drives a white van slow by school zones told me to and he would give me hard candy.

Little Susie had gotten her first period. She told her mom, and they bought pads.

The next month, Susie's mom asked if she had her second one. Suzie said no, and her mom fainted!

Make like a drum and beat it!

What's the difference between a Demon and a Redhead?

The Demon at least has a trade offer.

Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

What is the difference between Jesus and a painting?

It only takes 1 nail to hang a painting!

Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.

Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.

Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.

Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.

I saw a kid crying yesterday, and I asked him, "Where are your parents?" Then he started crying harder.

What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?

My big green pedo machine.

You're so ugly your mom and dad abandoned you, and you went to the adoption center, and not even the adoption center would take you or let you in.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy, but Jack was in shock with a mouth full of cock, 'cause Jill's real name was Randy.

I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.

"Dad, what is 69?" asks son.

Dad: "Well son, it is a position where a man and women pleasure each other orally."

Son: "So what shall I write? Odd or even?"

What's the difference between a dead baby in my trash can and a discarded sex toy?

...

I'm still trying to think of an answer.

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple always gets picked.

I like my men like I like my Alexa:

By my bed and turned on.

Life is a lot like a penis. It's relaxed, and just hanging there.

It's women that make it hard.