And jokes

What's the difference between soccer and a dead baby?

I don't wear steel cap boots when I play soccer.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back...

A kindergarten class is learning about the alphabet. The teacher asked, "What comes after M?"

Little Timmy reached into his backpack and yelled, "16!"

What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?

At least one of them gets picked.

The only difference between you and Jesus is that Jesus believed in himself.

What's the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression f**ks you harder.

What is the difference between a guy with cancer and the Twin Towers?

Nothing, they both fell.

What is the biggest lie ever?

"I have read and agreed to the terms and conditions."

Why does an orphan's calendar only have 362 days? Because they don't celebrate Father's Day, Mother's Day, and Valentine's Day.

What do Jesus and a painting have in common?

They hang by nails.

What did the girl and the orphan have in common? Their parents weren't home.

What is the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

If Batman is half bat and half human, how was he made?

"He wasn't because you can't f*ck a bat."

If a furry looks like an animal, sounds like animal, and acts like an animal, can I run over it with my car like an animal?

People were deciding how to punish a terrible criminal, and one man came up with a great idea.

He sat him in a movie theater with no food at all and made him watch a 12 hour documentary about the country Hungary.

What's the similarity between an emotional and a leaf?

The emo is still hanging.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

One gets picked, and the other doesn't.

I went to a disco at a seafood restaurant the other day...

... And pulled a mussel.

How did Jesus become self-sovereign?

He screws himself and becomes his own creator.

What does Fortnite and real life have in common?

They both lost their tower.