And jokes

Before I die, I'm going to ask to be cremated.

Then I'm going to eat a bunch of popcorn kernels.

Then I'll die and get cremated. BOOM! I'm popcorn!

At first, I didn't like Big Ben, but then I went there and the experience was un-BELL-ievable!

What’s the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

What's stiff and 6 inches long?

SIDS.

I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.

What’s the difference between a motorcycle and a mutilated body?

I don’t have a motorcycle in my garage.

Q: What do the St. Louis Rams and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell, “Jesus Christ.”

My girlfriend accused me of cheating, and I said to her, "You're starting to sound like my wife."

I saw a piece of cheese and it told me a joke, but the joke was too cheesy.

A penis has a sad life.

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor is an asshole, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him up!

What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice? Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.

"Hi, Mrs. Jackson, can Matt come out and play?"

"Oh, Johnny, you know Matt doesn't have any arms or legs."

"I know, we just wanted to use him as third base."

A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."

McDonald's was originally called "Mac and Dick," so, if you think about it, you could be enjoying a Big Dick instead of a Big Mac.

What has four legs and one arm?

A rottweiler at a park.

What's the difference between a Doberman Pinscher and a Social Worker?

Eventually, you can get a baby back from a Doberman Pinscher.

How many fingers does the Dragonborn have?

Four fingers and a Thu'um.

People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.

Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.

What’s the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is plastic and dangerous for children to play with, the other is used for carrying groceries.

What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?

The cat is still alive.

What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?

Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.