And jokes

At weddings, old people poke me and say, "You're next!" So I do the same to them at funerals.

At school, this gurl was like, "You're ugly!" And I'm like, "Gurl, your mirror cracks the moment you step in front of it."

I pushed an orphan in a wheelchair into a fire and yelled, "Hot wheels!"

What's the difference between orphans and dogs?

Dogs get adopted.

JACK AND JILL 2.0

After Jill went down the hill to get a pill,

Jack was screaming till his voice went nil,

And Jill screamed "Chill!"

Ariana Grande agrees with me on something: women belong in the kitchen and bedroom.

What's the difference between a painting and Jesus?

A painting only needs one nail.

I know this isn't the real chicken wing song, but my version...

"Chicken wing, chicken wing, I want your mommy. Slap her with my hairy salami while she's still yawning."

Make your own chicken wing song and put it in the comments... :)

EU Delegate: "Sir, your country has the highest corruption and crime rate out of any other member nations. What do you have to say?"

Ambassador: *tries slipping the delegate 40 Euros* "You didn't see any statistics."

Don't use Head and Shoulders, just use Head; otherwise, you'll end up in the retarded situation Stephen Hawking went through.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll just arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being dark.

What happened to the man who made too many bad jokes? He served out a cruel and unusual PUNishment.

Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other and asked: "Hey, how do you drive this thing?"

A mother and her 7 year old child are walking in the grocery store. The young boy then screams to a random woman “you're an ugly bitch.”

The mother grabs her son and says, “I’m so sorry, I must have told him a thousand of times to not judge people on how they look."

What is so similar about a concrete block and a garden?

They both make vegetables.

What’s the difference between an onion and a photo of a dead relative? Nothing, they both make you cry when you look at it.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer, the other is just a watermelon.

Q: What is the difference between two bottles of Whiskey and 2 pretty feminist girls?

A: You don't leave the bottles in the cold and dark forest after you and your 9 friends are finished with them.

I don't fuck my mother all day long. I fuck my mother for only 6 hours a day. Sometimes it's 7-8 hours. It depends on how busy my siblings and father are with their work.

What’s the difference between prison and concentration camps?

At least you don’t die when you shower.