And jokes

The fries were the slowest in the race and they said, "We need to ketchup to the tomato!"

Did you hear they made an Emo-Hipster pizza?

It cuts itself, and you're supposed to eat it before it's cool.

I don't like making Kobe jokes... they always crash and burn.

What's the same about a newborn and a football?

You can kick them both very easily.

What’s the difference between an orphan and an apple?

One gets picked.

In the hospital, they need to keep the disabled patients' rooms cooler than the other patients' rooms.

Why?

They need to keep the vegetables cool and crisp.

Jeffrey Dahmer and his mother are having dinner.

His mother says, “I don’t like your friends.”

Then Jeff says, “You can eat the potatoes.”

What does Michael Jackson and a TV have in common? They both get turned on by kids.

I chucked a lamp and a depressed kid, hoping it would brighten up his day.

What do orphans and police not have in common?

The police can actually go home.

What's the difference between cotton and an orphan?

One gets picked.

My brother apparently has this thing called "asthma". Anyway, I took his vape away today, and he was lying on the floor gasping for air, lol. He must really be addicted to it.

My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.

Depression sucks, and so do you.

Blondes like their men how they like their rice: brown, 500 at a time, and all in her bowl.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

Apples get picked.

Did you know that in 2001 there was an Among Us game, except that it was on a plane and had two imposters.

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common?

There used to be two, now it’s a sensitive subject.

A father bought his depressed son a new house, and then pointing at it, he said, "Hang in there, son!"

Yo forehead so big, an airplane can use that as a runway!