And jokes

Why can't depressed kids high five a tree? It will leave them hanging.

Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they can't find home!

A serial killer was at my house and killed all my family but me. Why? I was in the living room.

What do sloths and depressed people have in common? They both hang off trees.

What is a group of depressed kids called? The suicide squad.

I saw this really old guy with the Hitler stache, so I decided to start beating him up.

It was very weird when a camera crew came out with Harrison Ford and started yelling at me.

How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?

One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.

...just kidding-

- none. They can't change anything.

What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.

What do magicians and prostitutes have in common?

Answer: disappearing acts.

Today is the day of 9/11, and we were in class making jokes, and somebody said, "That's sad." I was like, "Why?" And they said, "Today is the day the towers went down." I said, "Just like I did on your mum last night."

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed to death?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They stuck her in a round room and told her to find the penny in the corner.

A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

Your hairline's so bent, it goes west, east, north, and south!

My teacher asked everyone how tall their grandparents were. I responded, "My grandpa is 5ft 10, and my grandma is -6ft."

What games would deaf people not be good at?

Simon says and Musical chairs.

Hey, what is the difference between a painting and a wife?

Only the wife was hung up.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack, then sell it again.

What do the Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

I told a blind man to read more, so he grabbed my arm and read the whole dictionary.

I walked into the party and the host asked me if I would like a slice of pie.

I responded "yes," and he said: "okay, 14159."

If there is a divorce in West Virginia, are they still brother and sister?

Your mom is like a penny: two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants.

When you're a terrorist and you have a stutter.

A a a a a a a a ala ala ala ala ala alaog alaogbar.