And jokes

Stephen Hawking would be a bad Pokemon.

He'd always be paralyzed, and his only move would be tackle!

A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

The cheetah had a race with a lion, and the cheetah won.

The lion was like, "Why you always a cheetah?"

The cheetah was like, "Why you always lion (lying)?"

What's the difference between a feminist and a pencil?

One of them has a POINT:)

I was watching my daughter play at the park. A woman came up to me and asked which one was mine. I said I was still choosing.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?

Apples get picked.

An old man walks to a busy restaurant. He tells the waiter what he wants and asks her, "Can I have a discount? I served in the war."

The waitress says, "Of course, and would you like that meal with sauce?"

"Nein," said the old man.

What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan?

The apple gets picked.

I told a diabetic boy to have sweet dreams, and he died the next morning.

Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a dead pedophile? Nothing.

What do you call a musician 👩‍🎤 who drinks soda and sings 🎤 at the same time?

A popsinger.

I came home from school one day and told my cat a kid at school said I was an idiot and told me to go kick rocks, so I did, except I kicked him, not the rocks, and I called him the idiot for not moving out of the way.

I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.

What’s the difference between kids and drugs?

I don’t hide drugs in my basement.

This is to the girl/boy named Gwen: Are you okay? I see there is a bunch of haters but DON'T, I repeat, DON'T let the haters get to you. I hope you see this and respond and that you are okay. Please Gwen, be honest.

A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”

What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

What do Logan Paul, KSI, and the Japanese suicide victim have in common?

Tying.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"