And jokes

I hope you have to pull hard on a candy wrapper only for the bag to pop and have the candy fall on the floor.

I was bullying a little kid for having a purple eye and said, "Where'd you get that? Your mom? Your dad?"

After that, everyone in my group was laughing at the kid. The next day I never saw him again.

When the guy came in with a gun to rob the store, I said: "Hey, can I borrow that?"

He says "yes." Me, over here, walking to the cashier and saying: "Goodbye!" He screams: "Have mercy!"

I say: "No, not to you, to me. Say goodbye." He says: "No, don't shoot yourself!" It was too late.

What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?

The dog knows when to stop scratching.

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and eat it.

I saw a kid in a wheelchair, and he was getting bullied. I said, "Stand up for yourself!"

One time Little Johnny saw someone in his yard tying a rope to a tree, and he moved the stool and the tree broke. Little Johnny screamed, "HAHA! You're skinny enough to break the tree!"

What's at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?

A nervous wreck.

My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.

Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.

On a winter day many play.

Some with snow, and I with ice Used as a device to slice Somehow I'm colder now.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

They can't see their parents.

Little Johnny: Dad, why are you rubbing the horse's chest and butt?

Dad: I want to see if it's good enough to buy.

Little Johnny: I think Uncle Joe wants to buy Mom.

A man sees a girl crying and asks her what's wrong.

The girl replied, "Everyone keeps making fun of me."

"You should tell your parents," I replied back.

The girl started crying even more. That's when I got confused and left the orphanage.

Yo mamma so dumb, she put two quarters in her ears and thought she was listening to 50 Cent.

A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)

It was my cousin's birthday and my mom said what should we get her? I said a rope.

Mommy, Mommy! Are we werewolves?

Shut up and comb your face.

Life's a bitch, and then you die. I now see what they mean.

A woman asked Stephen Hawking to dance, and he replied, "I'm not much good, I have two left feet."

"Then how about Karaoke?"

To which he replied, "I have two left throats."

I scanned an emo girl's arm the other day. Now I own her, only 3.99 with tax. That's a steal and a half, woopeeee!