And jokes

You wanna know the difference between a rake and your mom? The rake is actually useful.

What is the difference between an emo kid and a jug of milk?

The milk doesn't hang itself after it gets dumped.

There's nothing stronger than love, except for an M32 Rotary Grenade Launcher because fuck you and everyone near you.

What's the similarity between your money and your life?

It just keeps going down.

I was making a coffee for my boss and this was the supposed recipe:

1 egg 1 tomato diced bell peppers a bag of sugar sea salt coffee beans rusted nails.

I got fired and spent the next 20 years in prison with a dude named Papa Bear.

Did you hear about the new drink commemorating Princess Diana?

It had nine shots and seven chasers!

What is red and puts out fire?

What’s red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?

A frog in a blender.

I just want to say this...

You have NO maidens, (Explosion) No homies, (ExPlOsIoN) And no—please don’t say it! Rizz 😎 (EXPLOSION)

What sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller? A baby with a potato peeler.

What's the difference between Chaplin and a politician in a wheelchair?

Chaplin does stand-up comedy, and the politician does sit-down... comedy.

So I was looking through my pictures and I found a picture of a random kid that took a picture of his ugly face. It looked like someone that got hit by a car, then a bus, then a semi.

That’s what I get for not having a password on my iPad.

There is a ghost baseball game and one team loses because of one player so they start booing him!

Where are you right now?

Looking at a fake joke? You are a waste of time and space.

What did Onett and Threed reply to their child?

"I love you Twoson."

I saw a man today wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm with stupid."

I told him, "You know, that's not very nice."

He looked at me and said, "I'm with stupid, too."

There was an enemy with a machine gun.

My commander said, "Un-arm the enemy."

So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.

What’s Stephen Hawkins favourite shampoo and conditioner?

Head and shoulders.

A horse walked in a bar and the bartender asked, "Why the long face?"

What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on one.