And jokes

Every time my grandmother and I were at a wedding, she’d say: “you’re next.” So I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

What's the definition of disgusting?

Sticking 5 oysters up your grandmother and sucking 6 out!

Your mom is so fat Santa Claus came down and said, "Ho ho holy shit!"

I slit my wrist and said, "THAT'S A LOT OF DAMAGE!" So I did it again, but with a knife and said, "NOW *THAT'S* A LOT OF DAMAGE!" I then put watertight Flex Seal on the wound, and it didn't seal.

I went on a date with an Eastern European chick. She got mad because I rushed her...

Get it? It's Russia, and I rushed her.

Bo: Hey kids, I am so sad that you won’t exercise and give me Bo power, so I am just going to be an orphan.

Kids changing the channel to Annie.

Annie: Tomorrow, tomorrow, only a day away.

TV changing the channel back to Bo On The Go.

Dezzy: WAAAAAAAAAA, I can’t find Bo!

I still remember my dad's last words, "You c***! You let the ladder go, you cuuunt!"

Smack! He hit the ground and bled out.

What do dead people and orphans have in common? They can't see their family.

I was digging in a garden once and found a chest full of gold. I wanted to show my wife, but then I thought about why I was digging in the first place.

Why can’t anyone sing “hit me with your best shot” at the veterans ball karaoke?

Because every time it was sung... the line “fire away” caused massive confusion and shooting!

Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.

I went out for a drive and attempted to drift on the road. It didn't end well for me, or for the speed bumps I hit.

Wait, there aren't any road bumps.

O h s h i t.

So I went to a church the other day and I asked my friend, "Is that painting of Jesus and is it through the wall with one with three nails?" Oh wait, I wasn’t even Jesus, he’s not doing the T post that he invented.

Eastern Europe and Western Europe is a joke.

Q: What's the difference between a computer and an abortion clinic? A: Ctrl+Alt+Delete

One day a son and his grandad were smoking.

Too bad only the sun was smoking. :)

Your momma's so fat, she farted in bed and blew the covers off.

A kid calls out for his mom one day while he is in the tub and says, "Mom come quick! I'm walking on water!"

And the mom runs in and says, "I knew evon whatent yo daddy! I ain't never slept with him a day my life!"

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple tree?

The apples get picked.

What do emo kids and bananas have in common?

They both hang on trees.