And jokes

So I was in the lunch room and was sitting by the peanut allergic kids' table. I stood up and I threw an opened bag of peanuts at them and yelled, "25 kill streak!" 🤣😂

I made this one up myself just now.

Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.

A baby and his father are sitting in a street cafe. A woman bends over to pick up her keys just as a gust of wind blows up the woman's dress. "va va voom," the baby says. The dad chuckles and says, "Yes. I'd like to have sex with her too."

You're snorting cocaine with your buddies. Your eyes are closed, feeling the bliss of drugs, when suddenly something wet touches your nostril. Your buddy Mark stuck his PENIS in your face. You look up at Mark, and he says, "I'm sorry," and runs away, his pants still down.

I once went up to an orphan and they were crying, and I asked where their parents are, and they started crying more.

So, one day I saw a dog outside, so I played with it. Then I was like, "I’m gonna see its name and where it lives." So I did. Then... its name was Momo. Then I looked to see where it lived. It said "Joe Momma Street."

My buddy and I both wanted to marry a woman who happened to be an amputee.

Sadly, my buddy won her heart, but I got her leg.

Why did the 2 4s skip lunch? They already 8! Jahshshs.

And how did the pirate know that she saw land? She was shore of it! If u get it leave a like. Hahahahaha and which thing was heavier, a feather or steal? It's they way the same amount 🤣 😂 😅 😆 🙃 😄 🤣 😂 😅 😆 🙃 😄 🤣 😂 😅 😆 Lol like

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and touched her thigh and said, "Do you wanna?" Jill said yes and pulled up her dress and they had some fun.

But silly Jill forgot her pills, and so they had a son.

When you look exactly like your dead cousin and everybody thinks she faked her death.

FUCKING MENT

Well, yo mama is fat, and when she loses weight, all the food that she has is hers, but the Africans get none.

I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they asked if I could pilot a plane.

What do pimps and farmers have in common?

They both need a hoe to stay in business.

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? They are both meat substitutes.

God said, “Let there be light,” so it beamed off your forehead, and so I turned into Stevie Wonder and called it night.

A teacher walked up to me and said, "How did we get butt cracks?"

I was like 4, so I said, "You had an earthquake on your booty."

Bootylicious lol

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

Why didn't R. Kelly go to Germany to fuck teens? The legal age there is 14...Like bro hop on a plane and fuck a 14 year old hooker!

Heyyy, in the last six months, [I had] 4 suicide attempts, broke up with 3 girls, and my mom went on drugs.

What is red, white, and blue all over?

A dead cop.