And jokes
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked. Orphans don't.
What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.
What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.
My neighbor's daughter gave me a three-course meal last night:
Starters - role play and stripping.
Main course - Reverse Cowgirl.
Dessert - Blowy.
What do Rihanna and a DJ have in common?
They know how to get a beat down.
What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening?
A kitchen chair! Your momma sits in it for lunch, and your dad only manages to reattach one of the two legs that broke off by evening.
There's a new Viagra and prune juice diet that's out.
Unfortunately, you can't tell if you're coming or going.
Bro sat down too close for comfort. I told him to move or he would get hurt.
Come on, how hard could it possibly be To move a few inches? You’re touching my D.
A guy really needs his personal space. Disobey and I’ll shove it in your face.
Your forehead is so big, they used it for the Berlin Wall and the USA border.
Two nuns are riding their bikes down a cobblestone path.
One nun turns to the other one and says, "I’ve never come this way."
The other one says, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."
“If you're a dwarf and you're offended by that, grow up.”
I piss on blind kids and tell them it's raining.
I learned how to say "virgin" in German: "Good and tight."
What's the difference between Canada and the USA?
In the USA, Trump is sitting in the Oval Office.
In Canada, he'd be sitting in the waiting room of a MAiD clinic.
When I was doing ju jitsu at my neighbor's cat, I accidentally created a whirlpool and then ate a mango mustard bar.
I don't like consistency. Last night, I spent three hours looking at a room and thinking, "I need a flower pot here, and the couch should be on the right." Eventually, the police arrived and led me away from my neighbor's window.
What's red and spins really fast?
Kurt Cobain's ceiling fan.
What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? A rabbi cuts it off, a priest sucks it off.
What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?
There were two when we were kids, but now it’s a touchy subject.
A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."