All jokes

A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs. Then he says to his boss, "I can't handle all of this!"

The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"

The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"

Ted Bundy walks into a bar wearing all black. The bartender asks, “Whose funeral is it?”

Ted Bundy looks around the room and replies, “I haven’t decided yet.”

If all women disappeared one day, it would be a pain in the ass.

What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?

He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.

I added Paul Walker on Xbox...

But he spends all his time on the dashboard.

The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.

But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!

Why doesn't Mexico win any medals in the summer Olympics anymore?

Because all the Mexicans that can run, swim, or jump are already here.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...

The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

Why didn't Michael Jackson get away with messaging with kids? Because they were all juveniles.

My son is such a miserable brat, I bought him a brand new trampoline for Christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plain!

How many Senators fans does it take to change a light bulb?

All 3 of them.

Hockey for life!

Did you hear about the guy who died by lethal injection and writhed on the stretcher for 20 minutes?

I guess it really IS all in the execution.

Your mama so fat, it took all the trees to build her a coffin.

What did the Titanic say as it sank?

I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

If I had kept all my two cents to myself, I'd have enough money to publish my own newspaper now.

What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper.

Yo mama is so fat, when she's walking down the street, there are cracks all over the sidewalk.