All jokes

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times?

He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

Why can’t Chinese people play cricket?

Because they ate all the bats!

What is black and white and red all over? An exploding zebra!

This whole page is pure trash. Fuck all of you.

Me: *makes Chuck Norris meme*

Internet: *all the other memes are dead now*

Me: Well, shit.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"

Here's a list of puns, not all of them are mine.

1. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.

2. Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

3. My sister bet that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti. You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

4. Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.

5. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

6. Why was the cookie sad? Because his mom was a wafer long!

7. Why didn’t the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

8. How do you make a good egg-roll? You push it down a hill!

9. That baseball player was such a bad sport. He stole third base and then just went home!

10. My parents said I can’t drink coffee anymore. Or else they’ll ground me!

Why was the DJ banned from the supermarket?

He was stealing all the samples.

I moved all the Bibles to the fiction section because there is no God, as said Stephen Hawking in 2011, but in 2018, God said there was no Stephen Hawking.

Are all orphans home-a-phobic?

You are all going to be pun-ished!

I think God is cool with abortion.

After all, he did kill his only son.

What is the best thing about being an orphan?

All bags of chips are family-sized!

(everyone on Titanic) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the ship will sink!!!!

(person washing hands) I'm using the sink, wait your turn!!!!!

(all crew members laugh) Hahahhahahahahah.

One time in my dream, I had a dream that all people in wheelchairs could walk. It was awesome; I could walk!

What mental disorder do all Mexicans have?

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I'm glad we're all going virtual so I can cuss in front of my class and blame it on my stupid siblings.

What did one alligator say to the other alligator?

"Let’s go for an all-in-one buffet!"

People might not laugh at my jokes, or have a reaction at all, but I'd explode with euphoria.

Periodically, people might laugh every now and then.

What’s the difference between dead babies and a cat?

The cat is still alive.

What’s the difference between cat food and tonight’s dinner?

Nothing, it’s all just mystery meat.