englishcm

"Have you driven through Dealey Plaza? It will blow your mind."

~John F. Kennedy

Have you seen the inside of Ford's Theatre? It will blow your mind. ~Abraham Lincoln

Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!

If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.

Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.

Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.

God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.

Woman gets pulled over by a cop.

Cop: "Ma'am, have you been drinking?"

Lady: "No, officer."

Cop: "What's that in your cup then, ma'am?"

Lady: "Just water, officer."

Cop: "Looks like wine to me."

Lady: "Oh my god, Jesus did it again!"

I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.

Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm stroking my dick and thinking of you.

People shouldn't worry about how orphans would feel reading these jokes. It's not like they have parents to buy them a phone or computer to see them, or even a place to charge them even if they did have one.

Dark humor is like pussy: whining bitches don't get it.

I've been looking for my parents for years. For the life of me, I can't remember where I buried them.

Opinions are like orgasms. The only one that matters is mine and I don't care if you have one.