What's the difference between your girlfriend and sister? Nothing if you're from Alabama.
englishcm
I finally stopped drinking for good.
Now I purely drink for evil.
Life is like a penis: simple, soft, relaxed, and hanging free, until a woman comes around and makes it hard.
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick Jill's candy. Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.
What is Mozart doing right now ?
Decomposing
Why is the Catholic church in favor of condoms now?
It's now getting harder to hide DNA evidence.
Why do they call my dick section 8?
Because all the hoes are on it.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm stroking my dick and thinking of you.
I know the voices in my head aren't real, but man, do they have some good ideas.
What's the difference between an onion and a baby? I only tear up cutting the onion.
If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.
I was at the bar late last night when a waitress screamed, "Anyone know CPR?" I said, "Shit, I know all the letters of the alphabet." Everyone laughed, well, except for this one guy.
Why is it everyone wants to rub a pregnant woman's stomach but never the man's balls where the baby actually came from and the real ones that deserve the congratulations?
God died for your sins, so basically if you don't sin then Jesus died for nothing.
Went swimming today and peed in the deep end. The lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
What do Jesus and I have in common?
No one knows my real bday either.
A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.
So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."
How does Jesus whistle?
By blowing through the holes in his hands.
I wish the doctor would prescribe me some medicine that's actually useful, like cyanide.