You jokes
What do you call a special needs army?
The special forces.
Are you a lollipop? Because I can suck on you all day.
Are you an Oreo? Because I eat the cream first.
Are you a microwave? Because I’m trying to keep you quiet at 3:00 am.
Are you a sprinkler? Cause every time I see you I get wet.
Are you makeup? Cause I’d spend hours doing you.
Are you a guitar? Because I’d love to hear the noises you make when I play with you.
Are you an elevator? Cause I wanna ride you up and down.
Most restaurants are closed at night, but your legs aren’t.
I’m not a cashier, but you got a couple of things I wanna check out.
Are you Cinderella? Because I can see that dress coming off at midnight.
Are you a calendar? Because I want to pin you against the wall.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I hope it’s you.
Are you a doughnut? Cause I wanna fill you with cream.
Are you a garden? Cause I want to plant some seeds inside of you.
Do you sing in the shower? Because if so, I need a private ticket of your concert.
Are your legs the twin towers? Because I’ll bomb what’s in between.
Are you a blanket? Because you’re on top of me every night.
Are you a phone? Cause I like to be on you 24/7.
Are you a roller coaster? Because the faster you go, the louder I scream.
I’m so jealous of your heart right now because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not.
Are you a popsicle? Cause all I want to do is lick you up and down.
Are you a construction worker? Because you got me all bricked up.
Are you a fireman? Because you came in hot and left me wet.
My friend: “Vaporeon is my favorite Pokémon.”
Me: “Hey, did you kno-“
What’s the worst part about a dead prostitute?
You end up doing all the work.
What do you call a retard in the military?
Special forces.
That time when you realize that Osama bin Laden and Carrie Underwood share the same birthday...
Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.
What do you call two brunettes and a blonde in the NFL?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver!
A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police.
She exclaims, “Hello, is this 911?”
The other person, “Yes, what is your emergency?”
The blonde answered, “I called to inform you that you’re 910 now.”
What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?
Your camera.
A redhead, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar.
They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about their opinions on elements.
The redhead says, “I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it.”
The brunette says, “I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars.”
The blonde says, “I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.”
How can you surprise someone who is blind?
Leave a plunger in the toilet.
Roses are red, violets are blue, You told me I'm ugly, nah, you look like a monkey!
What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?
A mass murderer.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
You pull the pin and throw it back!
What do you call a stoned kid with Down syndrome?
A baked potato.
What do you call a religious drug addict?
A crystal methodist.
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Did you know that people say Michael Jackson only became a pedophile when he was white?
Lucky for him, if he was black he would have been found guilty.
What’s the worst thing about being suicidal?
The school shooter will always spare you.