Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.
I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, its terrible.
MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH ME YESTERDAY. i ASKED HER WHY. sHE SAID, BECAUSE YOU'RE A PEDOPHILE. I REPLIED, "PEDOPHILE! THAT'S A BIG WORD FOR AN EIGHT YEAR OLD."
Me and my cousin went to a restaurant yesterday I ordered my chicken fried, he ordered his chicken alive
Yesterday in my dream I ate a ten pound marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
i bought shoes from a drug dealer yesterday- i dont know what he laced them with but i was trippen all day
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a politician in the jungle yesterday?
I hear it hurt like hell
I fell down yesterday
wHAT DID I EAT FOR BREAKFAST YESTERDSAY?
10 YEAR OLDS
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
"Son, I found a condom in your room."
"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"
"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"
"Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
