Work

Work jokes

"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.

“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.

Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?

He was trying to get ahead in life.

If you buy two condoms, but you're banging a woman, it's fine, don't throw it away, just make her transgender.

I dunno man, worked for me.

What do you call security guards working outside of Samsung shops?

Guardians of the Galaxy. 🌌

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”

I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!

I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.

Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.

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    • Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find

    Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.

    What does a disabled disco play?

    "When your legs don’t work like they used to before."

    I saw your mom at work the other night. She was talking about how good she was doing.

    Hands down, best $20 blowjob ever.