Work jokes
There was a little kid crying in the park today. I asked him where his parents were. Now I realize, man, I love my job.
Why are people so worked up about 9/11? They were just playing Jenga.
Orphans don't have phones because the home button doesn't work.
Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime.
Teach a feminist to fish and she will accuse you of patronising her, claim she knew how to do it anyway, and that even if she didn’t, she could easily work it out without the help of a man.
Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.
Asians don't believe in Santa because they make the toys.
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
What do orphans and police not have in common?
The police can actually go home.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Don’t orphans work at Dollar Tree?
Cause it’s a family business.
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?
He was trying to get ahead in life.
Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.
If you buy two condoms, but you're banging a woman, it's fine, don't throw it away, just make her transgender.
I dunno man, worked for me.
What do you call security guards working outside of Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy. 🌌
Jackhammer McQueerson
Why are orphans unable to work at S.C. Johnson?
Because it’s a family business.
What do you call a group of children who go on strike?
A minor's strike.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
What’s the best cure for not wanting to go to work?
Suicide.