Work jokes
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
What do orphans and police not have in common?
The police can actually go home.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!
Don’t orphans work at Dollar Tree?
Cause it’s a family business.
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?
He was trying to get ahead in life.
Do you mix concrete for a living? Because you’re making me hard.
If you buy two condoms, but you're banging a woman, it's fine, don't throw it away, just make her transgender.
I dunno man, worked for me.
What do you call security guards working outside of Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy. 🌌
Jackhammer McQueerson
Why are orphans unable to work at S.C. Johnson?
Because it’s a family business.
What do you call a group of children who go on strike?
A minor's strike.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.”
I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door, and it’s working fine!
What’s the best cure for not wanting to go to work?
Suicide.
Suicide won't work, I'm already dead inside.
I was at work and then a little kid came up to me and she said, "What happened to all the parents?" She sounded so confused, so I told her, "It's only yours, kid, they left you on purpose." She cried. I felt bad for a second and thought, oh well, time to get back to my job at the orphanage.
Imagine working at the World Trade Center, only for Osama bin Laden to call and ask if he could crash at your place.
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
They say the first time doesn't work, third time's the charm. Ha, not!
What does a disabled disco play?
"When your legs don’t work like they used to before."