A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
What's the difference between Hitler and a feminist?
At least Hitler actually did something.
What do people say to knights when they go to bed? Good knight!
What is a necrophiliac's favorite band?
Coldplay.
What’s black, white, and red all over?
An ethnic orgy.
What's a school shooter's favorite anime?
Assassination Classroom.
What is scarier than a pile of dead babies?
The bottom one ate its way out!
It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or No," she replied.
It was dinner in the plane, and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.
"What are my choices?" the passenger said.
"Yes or no," the flight attendant replied.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator ;)
What is a cow's favorite dance move?
The milkshake.
A man is meeting a client in Japan, but arrives a day early. When night hit, he went out with a prostitute. They're having sex, but the prostitute kept shouting "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!", so the man thinks he's doing a good job. The next day, the man meets his client and they go golfing, and the client gets a hole in one. The man praises him by going "Fuji, Fuji, Fuji!". His client turns around confused and says, "What do you mean wrong hole!?"
My friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm making holy water.
My friend: How?
Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.
So, my friend's birthday is in a couple of days, and I was wondering what to get him.
He hangs out at my house a lot, so I suggested adoption papers.
Spy: Hahaha.
Me: What?
Spy: Time to pick up your mother.
Me: Oh no....
What did Onett and Threed reply to their child?
"I love you Twoson."
What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.
What's yellow all over and can't swim?
A school bus full of children.
What did Yarn Yoshi say to Poochy whilst trying to solve a puzzle?
"Alright Poochy, it's time to get crafty!"
What’s Brock from Pokemon's favorite food?
Brockoli.